Kakashi's Mini-me
by theriku260
Summary: Just one action can set a person on a new path, and when Naruto decides that pranking Kakashi on their first meeting might not be the wisest it changes the Jinchuuriki's- and Konoha's- future forever. Slow updates!
1. Chapter 1

**Kakashi's Mini-me Chapter 1**

 **AN: Here's the first chapter of my new fan fic. I'll update regularly after midterms and ANBU Mascot wraps up, but I figured since I finished the first chapter you all would want to read it! Anyway, I was going to combine it with the time travel idea but decided to save that one for another time…probably summer to be honest. On with the story and tell me how it goes!**

 **Konoha, Ninja academy, after shinobi assignments…**

Naruto was bored and mentally drained.

He had the nine tailed fox in him! The kyubi, the creature that destroyed his village, most likely killed his family (if they didn't abandon him because they thought him a 'demon'), and brought suffering on thousands. His two teammates, Sasuke and Sakura, ignored him like always as their sensei was three hours late.

 _I bet they hate me too._ Naruto thought in sadness. The Hokage assured him that kids his age weren't aware of his 'burden' but they still hated him- not that his pranks helped. _Our teacher is late, maybe a prank?_ He began mischievously but quickly squashed the thought. _No reason to make him hate me more. I bet he'll be just like everyone else, maybe if I'm quiet he'll at least just ignore me. I can't take those eyes._

What the blonde Jinchuuriki didn't know was that simple twist in thoughts would alter the course of his shinobi career forever.

Kakashi Hatake slowly approached the door to the classroom holding the boy he abandoned as a baby. Sure he was just a kid at the time, but not a day goes by that Kakashi doesn't think,

 _What if? What if I took care of him? Would last night have happened or would he even be a genin now, instead of a chunin or jonin? Would he still secretly fear the villagers?_ The Hokage had filled Kakashi in on Naruto's mental state, and how the elders were worried that if something didn't change the Jinchuuriki would finally snap. They reasoned assigning him to a jonin that didn't hate him would help.

But putting him with him, Kakashi? It must be some sort of punishment. Kakashi could never hate Naruto. But, he also couldn't bear to look at the blonde as it reminded him too much of Minato-sensei, and teaching him would be just too much, especially as Kakashi was likely to get him killed. Plus, Naruto was likely to pull pranks, act out, and overall prove that he wasn't ready to be a shinobi.

Kakashi would just fail him, and let some one else take care of sensei's legacy, as everyone knew Kakashi was not the right person. Opening the door lazily he expected many things.

Indignant screeches from the blonde.

Traps and pranks too.

Even a scowl.

But what Kakashi didn't expect was the broken look in Naruto's deep blue eyes, ones that didn't belong on the son of Konoha's greatest heroes. Those eyes spoke to Kakashi, their tensed and readiness to bolt, the slight hope that Kakashi was different, and the mistrust that he would be just like everyone else. The jonin was caught in those orbs, breath hitched.

Then he took in the rest of the room. Naruto was crouched in his chair alone on one side, while Sasuke and Sakura were on the other, pointedly ignoring their teammate who was so obviously in need.

But they didn't care.

"…You three are interesting. Meet me on the roof." Kakashi managed and used a shunshin to leave. Sasuke and Sakura got up and left, not noticing they left behind a certain blonde.

Naruto scowled as he took off after his teammates followed their teacher. Sensing things would remain the same as always- probably his sensei would ignore him for the others- he plopped down to the far right of his squad mates.

"My name is Kakashi Hatake, your sensei. Let's start with introductions."

"Umm, sensei? What should we say?" Sakura asked.

"Oh, you know: likes, dislikes, hobbies, dreams. That sort of thing." Kakashi was hardly looking at the pink girl who would possibly be his student. Instead, his grey eye kept turning towards Naruto, who still sulked a bit, not even trying to hide it.

"Why don't you go first? To show us how its done?" Sakura suggested.

 _Seriously?_ "Alright. My name, as you know, is Kakashi. I have likes, some dislikes. I never really thought about a dream. As for hobbies? Well, I have lots of hobbies." He gave his trade mark eye smile and then watched in amusement as all three students had various degrees of annoyance. Messing with genin was fun. "You next, pinky."

Naruto tuned out his teammates after Kakashi-sensei's useless intro. When Sakura said

"And I hate NARUTO-Baka!" he flinched, but didn't say anything, turning away slightly.

"And you? What about you, blondie?" Kakashi asked. Naruto blinked, honestly surprised he asked after the impression of dislike he gave.

"Oh? Well, my name is Naruto Uzumaki. I like ramen" _it's filling and cheap_ "the old man, the Ichirakus, and Iruka-sensei" _Because they acknowledges me_  
"and my hobbies are gardening and trying new flavors of ramen." _And training, but no one will believe that._ "I hate…cold eyes, and the three minutes it takes for ramen to make. My dream is to be Hokage, so that everyone will have to acknowledge me and accept me for who I am!" Naruto added the last part with a grin, imagining what life will be like then. Kakashi kept a level gaze on Naruto, ignoring Sakura's slight snorts.

"Well then, tomorrow we'll see if you three are actually genin."

 **Next evening…**

As his sensei and 'teammates' walked away while he was still tied to the post Naruto couldn't keep the frown off his face.

 _They left me._ He realized in disbelief. His sensei, Naruto thought he'd be different. After all that talk about never abandoning comrades and they abandoned him. Hypocrites.

Tears start welling up. He had used his last kunai on Kakashi-sensei earlier and he wasn't able to use the rope escape jutsu- Mizuki taught that lesson and had sent him on an errand for two years in a row during that day in class.

 **With Kakashi…**

Kakashi frowned as his two students continued walking with him, even when he mentioned Naruto still being tied up.

"That baka will figure something out" Sakura insisted and headed home. As Kakashi turned to head back to the training grounds two green blobs glomped him.

"YOSH! MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" Guy greeted.

"H-hello, Guy" Kakashi said weakly. "Who is this?" He looked in horror at the smaller version of his friend.

"YOSH! This is my most YOUTHFUL apprentice, Lee! He has become like me in every way, almost like a mini-me!"

"Mini-me?"  
"Yes! Others treated him like nothing as he was the dead last last year, but under my tutelage he's grown to become one of the best genin in our most Youthful village!" Guy boasted.

"Oh? Well I just passed my own team" Kakashi said, not realizing he wanted to boast about his team, even if it was pointless with how dysfunctional they were.

"Yosh! Your flames of YOUTH shine brightly! Perhaps one will take after you as well! Come Lee, let us run around Konoha five hundred times to stroke our YOUTH!"

"Yes, Guy-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Guy-sensei!"

"Lee!"

"Guy-sensei!"

Kakashi left as they started running towards eachother, not wanting to see whatever it is they were starting.

 _Hmm, someone to take after me? Well, if Guy can do it, so can I! But who…Sasuke?_ He scowled, remembering that though a genius, the boy abandoned his comrade. And Naruto's eyes…Naruto! In haste, Kakashi went towards his final student, intent on rescuing him.

 **Back with Naruto, minutes later…**

"Naruto?" Kakashi's voice from behind him made Naruto whip around.

"K-kakashi-sensei?" Naruto couldn't believe it, his sensei didn't abandon him!

"…I'm sorry for leaving you. Want some help?" The blonde nodded, and seconds later the ropes were cut. Getting the circulation back in his hands Naruto wipes away his tears. "Why didn't you use the rope escape jutsu?" Kakashi asked, knowing full well why not- investigations had already led the Hokage to deduce that several key lessons were sabotaged or outright not taught to Naruto.

"Mizuki-sensei n-never taught me that." Naruto admitted.

"Well, why don't I show you how then, eh?" Kakashi offered with his famous eye smile.

"Really? YATTA!" Naruto screamed happily and Kakashi winced. He'd have to work on his sensei's legacy's volume…and attire. If Guy could take that Lee kid and get him into the monstrosity then Kakashi could certainly change Naruto's tastes.

Wait, Naruto was malleable. He was technically supposed to be Kakashi's little brother figure.

And to be honest, Kakashi had always wanted to pass on his 'coolness' as Guy called it to the next generation. With a hidden grin Kakashi patted Naruto on the head.

"Why don't we go do some shopping first?"

When Naruto gave him a puzzled look Kakashi took it as a yes.

 **Later, Hokage tower…**

"Team seven…passes" Kakashi announced proudly. The other jonin- and Sarutobi- were shocked at the man's words and several tried to dispel a genjutsu.

"Very well, Kakashi. That makes three teams that passed. Train them well" Sarutobi ordered. Soon most of the office was empty save the Hokage, ANBU, and Kakashi. "Is something the matter, Kakashi?"

"Hmmm? No, I'd just like you to sign this sheet making one Naruto Uzumaki my apprentice until he reaches jonin, much like how Minato-sensei did with me."

"Very well- though I honestly thought you were planning to do this with Sasuke for his Sharingan. What changed your mind?" Kakashi took a deep breath.

"Let's just say I think I'm ready to face my past…and if Guy can make one, so can I." The cyclops chuckled evilly at the last part and used a shunshin. Tiger, one of the ANBU on duty appeared with Sarutobi's signal.

"Yes Hokage-sama?"

"Tenzo…I'm going to assign you to keep a watch on your old captain for a while. Just to make sure he hasn't finally snapped." Tenzo gave a grave nod as he too was a bit worried at Kakashi's last comment and headed out to observe the enigma of a jonin.

 **At Ichirakus…**

"Thanks for the meal!" Naruto cheered as Kakashi let him have an all you can eat after a successful trip to the ninja store. His apprentice to be- it wouldn't be official until Naruto made chunin- dug in and Kakashi couldn't help but smile from behind his book. "Ne, Kakashi-sensei, what are we learning tomorrow?"  
"Hmm, did you say something?" He asked in a bored tone. He had to keep appearances up after all.

 **End! So next chapter will be the first days of team seven, with more details. I just figured having the same bell test once more would be pointless.**

 **Now, in regards to Naruto's slightly different personality: If you found out the reason everyone avoided you, gave dirty looks, and perhaps raised prices on common goods, would you be the same the very next day to week? No, you'd have a little life change. I figured Naruto at this point is questioning how he can possibly make life better, and not pulling a prank would be a good place to start. Kakashi I feel should have shown more signs of knowing Naruto, and this gives him the chance to properly train him, as why he preferred Sasuke I really won't ever be able to fathom. Anyway, see you guys soon, probably in a month on this fic!**

 **Ps. This will be mostly light hearted, but there will be serious moments, and changes in the plot!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **So sorry for the long wait, everyone! But wow, twenty reviews, over a hundred follows, and seventy something favorites! Thanks a bunch, I hope to not disappoint. This is just a quick update but as I mostly finished my home work and updated my other two stories recently I figured I'd finish the next chapter for this one.**

 **Next day…**

Naruto tugged on his new attire a little embarrassed. Kakashi had picked him out 'proper' shinobi clothes, claiming his were just asking for a painful death. The man told him to just wear it the next day to training, that Naruto would see how great the new clothes were.

Dressed in a short-sleeved version of his sensei's outfit- minus the tilted headband, mask, and jonin vest-, Naruto did have to admit it was nice. People in the village hardly noticed him- meaning less glares and whispers. Now as he waited for his teammates to show the blonde felt a sort of light heartedness while looking at his shirt, knowing some body seemed to care for his wellbeing.

"Pssh, Naruto" A stage whisper alerted him to the tree hanging over the bridge they were meeting at soon, though neither of the two younger teammates showed. Glancing up he spotted Kakashi crouching in a branch, waving at him.

"Kakashi-sensei? What are you doing in the tree?" Naruto cocked his head curiously. The silver haired man eye smiled.

"Stopping you from making a grave mistake. Come along now, we have important business to take care of." Kakashi beckoned him, and took off using the trees, leaving a rather confused Naruto to follow at a slower pace branch from branch.

Minutes later Naruto lands beside his new sensei next to the memorial stone they had seen the day before. Both stood reverently for a awhile, Kakashi silently talking to his teammates and Naruto attempting to not fidget.

"…So, what are we doing here, Kakashi-sensei?" Naruto finally asked, breaking the suffocating silence.

"First rule of being my apprentice- er, student, is?" Kakashi prompted.

"Umm, the clothes?"

"Exactly! But, the next rule is: never be on time for non-emergencies! By never showing up on time, you keep your comrades on their toes. Three hours is usually enough" The older shinobi eye smiled again.

"But…if you always show up late, won't they just get used to it and it won't be a surprise anymore?" Naruto pointed out the obvious only to receive a head pat.

"Maa, maa, my cute little student; that's why you mix up how long you're late. Well, that and come up with creative and excellent excuses." He added the last part as an afterthought. "Today the excuse is 'being lost on the road of life.'"

"But what do you do while you're 'lost on the road of life?' Sit here?" Kakashi snorted.

"No, contrary to popular belief I don't spend the entire time at the stone. No, I am going to use this time to privately tutor you!"

"What?! I already left school!" Naruto whined a bit. Kakashi gave him a dead panned look.

"Naruto, how do we use ninjutsu?"

"Catra" Kakashi face palmed.

"…It's chakra, Naruto. Chakra, please remember it. This is what I'm talking about. I can't have you so behind, who told you it was called 'catra'?" Kakashi resisted a wince when the indignant look on Naruto's face turned bitter.

"Mizuki-sensei. He said its proper name was catra and that only academy students called it chakra."

"Well, what about Iruka, or the Hokage? Surely they told you"

"They don't have time for me. Jiji visited once a month when I was little, but about two years ago an ANBU would bring my allowance, so I saw him only a couple times a year. He'd come say hi on my birthday or take me out to ramen. And Iruka-sensei always yelled at me about school, and Mizuki-sensei said he wouldn't teach me any more advanced stuff if I told Iruka-sensei about it."

"…Advanced stuff?" Kakashi echoed stupidly.

"Yeah, like taijutsu moves, more advanced history, tricks for math…he was mean in class but when I asked for help after class he'd always show me things."

"Naruto…your taijutsu was atrocious during the test yesterday, and your scores were dismal." Naruto flinched.

"Yeah, I figured. I guess since Mizuki hated me he got a kick out of showing 'the village pariah' crappy 'advanced' material." Naruto looked down trodden and Kakashi promised to make a very painful 'visit' to Mizuki soon; For now, he had a crummy education to fix.

"Well my cute little student, first lesson: chakra."

 **Two hours later….**

"Are you sure about this sensei? I mean"

"Maa, of course! The greatness of Icha Icha must be exalted!" Naruto tried to push the orange book back into his sensei's hands but the man persisted. "Now, read the first chapter before we get 'found on the road to life'."

Resigned, the genin peaked the book open, and gasped at the first line.

"Miss Msunade, beloved snow princess of the desert, was in love with Ruraiya, her dashing knight. But, their love was not to be…"

 **Bridge, minutes later…**

"YOU'RE LATE! BOTH OF YOU!" Sakura screeched after Kakashi's lame excuse and pointed accusingly at the pair, both engrossed in their books, a slight spot of blood on Naruto's nose.

"P-poor Ruraiya, what a champ. You and your noble steed Jamabunta deserve happiness too," Naruto sniffed, already on the second chapter. Sakura gaped a bit.

"N-Naruto! Your clothes! And you're reading!" The kunoichi couldn't believe her eyes; her idiot teammate was dressed…normally. And he had a book out- willingly! Even if it was that weird orange one her mom always warned her about. Naruto looked up at her and grinned widely.

"Sakura-chan! Check this book out, it's a great romance novel." Sakura's interest was piqued; she was always an avid fan of romance novels, often imagining herself and Sasuke as the main characters.

"Really?" She asked.

"Uh huh! It's amazing." Naruto tried to hand her his book but Kakashi put his hand on the blonde's shoulder.

"Now hold on, there's no need. I made sure to buy enough for everyone." Handing Sakura a copy, Kakashi watched on in fascination as the girl began reading. Before long she had a slight nose bleed. Sitting on the ground she became engrossed.

Sasuke was slightly disturbed as he watched his so called 'team' read smut together. A shiver would run up his spine whenever Sakura would giggle or Naruto would wipe a smear of blood off his face. Gazing at the clouds, the avenger receded into his own thoughts.

"Oh Sasuke" the singsong voice of Kakashi broke the internal debate he was having soon after. "I have a copy for you; why not bond with your team?"  
"Hn. I don't have time to read smut; I'm going off to train." Turning away Sasuke made for a private spot to work on his aim. Sakura noticed him leave and was instantly up running faster than she ever did in the academy.

"Sasuke-kun! Wait up, I'll go train with you." She called after her crush, taking Icha Icha with her.

Once the pair left Kakashi sighed. His plan for a light team bonding moment failed.

"Well then, how about we go try to make you passable at shuriken throwing? Two out of ten would kill you quicker than walking into Iwa" The jonin mused and then chuckled at his own joke.

"Eh? Sensei, I don't get it." Naruto tilted his head. Kakashi backtracked fast.

"Oh? Did you say something?" When the predictable huff of annoyance and complaint came, Kakashi knew he'd dodged a kunai. _Can't have him guessing his heritage. That would be bad, especially if he's still feeling jolted from the kyubi._

 **Mission Office, next morning.**

"Team seven requesting their first assignment, Hokage-sama." Kakashi drawled. The Hokage didn't know whether to chuckle or remove Kakashi from his post.

For while Naruto now wore something other than orange, him and Sakura Haruno were over half way through with the first 'Icha Icha' novel. Now, while shinobi could certainly buy the books no matter their age, to read them in the office of their leader during their first mission briefing? Even Sasuke, the famed village brooder, was showing signs of being uncomfortable. The poor boy was alternating from glaring into space and glancing at his team uncomfortably.

Well, if they wanted to ignore their Hokage, then as the Hokage it was his duty to give them a payback mission. Glancing at his desk he shuffled through the pile, when Tenzo discretely pointed towards a particularly nasty one. Smirking evilly he smiled benignly at the team in front of him.

"Team seven" he began, "I've decided to assign you a C-rank mission instead of the customary D-ranks." Kakashi gazed suspiciously but the genin were jumping for joy.

"Yatta! A C-rank, a C-rank!" Only to receive a slight bonk on the head. Kakashi leaned down and said something that sounded suspiciously like 'hip and cool shinobi don't say 'Yatta', but 'maa' and 'hn'.'

"Your mission, whether you accept it or not…" He paused dramatically while the ANBUs' chakra signatures buzzed in excitement. "Is to clean the entirety of the ANBU locker rooms and bathrooms." Three face faults and a one eyed death glare answered the Hokage.

"I'll remember this, Hokage-sama" Kakashi muttered after his genin had left.

"I'm sure you will, Kakashi." The Hokage chuckled then winced for his ears.

"Hey, Sakura-chan, after this, want to go get something to eat?" A loud voice questioned from the hallway. A deafening crash into the ground ensued moments later.

"Narutooo, like hell I'd go on a date with you!"

"S-Sakura-chan, you're scary at times." Kakashi barely made out his future apprentice's reply. When he walks out and sees the poor boy on the ground and the other two almost turning the corner he resists a groan. Instead, he eye smiles and helps the blonde up.

"Ne, Naruto; sometimes, the female just isn't interested. After she's turned you down more than a couple of times, perhaps it's time to move on."

"Huh? But I can't just forget her." Naruto huffed. "Her hair is so pretty." Kakashi resisted the urge to groan. Of course his student would have a taste for the exotic colors. _Just like his father._

"…Hmm, tell you what: stop asking Sakura out on a date for six months, work hard on your studies, and take someone else on a date and I'll take you on a little field trip next week."

"A field trip? Where, where?!" Was the excited response from the blonde.

"Calm down! Now, it's a surprise, and I'll only take you if you give me your word to stop asking Sakura out, try to find someone else, and work hard this week." Naruto's head bobbed up and down.

"Got it; now where?"

"Oh, just to see Konoha's resident alien" _Get his ass handed to him by yours truly_ "and his little minion" _Who will fall to your coolness too._

"…Huh?"

"Never mind, put this on." A blue mass of fabric was pressed into Naruto's face and he felt a slight foreboding when his sensei's eye smile got larger when he managed to get the cloth on, revealing it to be an identical face mask.

"…like this?" He asked, feeling a bit stifled from the fabric.

"Perfect. Phase two complete." Kakashi said while jotting something down on a note pad that appeared. He was have more fun with this whole conversion process than he thought he would. "Now, let's go find your wayward teammates before they get lost; ANBU headquarters isn't where they teach it to be, obviously, for security reasons." Naruto rolled his eyes as they left the tower.

"I know that, I pranked them last year. Bastards could never prove it either, hehe." Naruto looked smug, not noticing the sudden spike in killing intent from various shadows.

 _I knew it was the orange menace!_ Was the collective thought. Within the hour the entire corps would be plotting their revenge.

 **End! What prank could Naruto have done? And what's the next phase of Kakashi's master plan? A few things.**

 **This won't be Sakura x Naruto. I just put in her reading Icha Icha as a plot point I wanted to exploit. If you guys have preferences please pm me but I won't make any promises. Just, no older women, please. I wouldn't feel comfortable writing it. I probably won't go past the time skip in this fic, writing a part two later, so any romance would be in its infancy anyways.**

 **I am thinking of summons. The choices are:**

 **Dogs (Kakashi's pack, with a few other additions)**

 **Toads (for cannon sake.)**

 **I wanted to make this a longer chapter, with the serious scenes, but I didn't want to make you guys wait for a few weeks. So, I found a nice stopping point.**

 **Team seven won't be 'chummy' and Sasuke won't find himself being an angel, but they will be slightly altered. Naruto himself is slightly different, and Kakashi will be working hard to turn him into the perfect 'hip and cool' shinobi. Any requests for jutsu or one liners to add in for his character will be noted.**

 **Finally, I have an AMAZING recommendation! Check out 'Seals are easy, people are hard' by slythefoxx2. I love many of their stories, but this one is my favorite. In the current chapter, Kakashi swore to turn Naruto into a gentleman pervert, lol. So please, go give it a read!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **AN: Hey everyone! I am working on my 'From Academy to ANBU' and some of the scenes are difficult to work with. I can generally pull passable comedy out of thin air (examples being most of ANBU's Mascot) so I thought 'why not write something fun' and then remembered that 'Kakashi's Mini-me' has many fans. It makes me happy that you guys like it so much. Anyways, onto the chapter!**

 **ANBU Headquarters, security room…**

Dozens of ANBU, on and off duty, crowd around the screens covering the bathrooms their old sempai and the orange menace were cleaning. A flamingo masked ANBU had a smug air to himself as the 'orange menace' was forced to be the corps' janitor.

"Hmm, this will teach him to booby trap the showers." Flamingo muttered darkly. A wolf masked ANBU turned towards him, slinging his arm over Flamingo's neck, giving him a noogie.

"Oh come on, cousin! The little chibi is a genius! I gotta say though, my favorite exploit of his was when he dyed Hiashi-sama's toothpaste pink and it ended up tinting his lips too. Priceless, I tell ya!" Wolf wiped his mask where an eye hole would be to signify laughing. Flamingo sighed deeply.

"Hikaru, I truly wonder how we are from the same clan." Flamingo said, shaking his head forlornly. Other ANBU sniggered.

"Look, the Uchiha brat is gonna die!" One ANBU proclaimed, calling the attention to what could become the final moments of one Sasuke Uchiha…

 **Moments before, with Naruto and Team Seven….**

Naruto had to admit, the mask Kakashi-sensei made him wear really worked- he could barely smell the bathroom, even with his advanced senses!

"Man, I bet these ANBU guys are complete losers at aim- they can't even hit the toilet!" 'Naruto' said cheekily while wiping up the sides of the toilets. Kakashi couldn't help but snort.

"Clone Naruto, don't you think you're a bit hypocrital? I've seen your apartment and bathroom." The jonin said lazily while turning a page in his riveting novel. Another clone walked by with cleaning solution for the mirrors, this time henged into Sakura.

"You went to my apartment bathroom?! Chaa." The clone dropped the supplies and aimed a sucker punch at the silver haired jonin, who easily dodged with an eye smile.

"Maa, maa, Clone Sakruto, no need to be so violent; good work on mimicking your teammate though" he complimented.

"Kakashi-sensei, please stop riling up the fake me that Naruto-baka made" The real Sakura scolded flippantly from a perch on top of the clean sinks. She was tearing her way through the second 'Icha Icha' volume with gusto. The real Naruto sat cross legged on another sink, still absorbed in the first volume. Kakashi couldn't be prouder that the two converts to Icha Icha were taking the process of enjoyment in the series seriously.

Nearby Sasuke grunted while scrubbing the base boards and showers clean of mold. Kakashi turned his lazy eye to his most stubborn student.

"Maa, Sasuke, if you wish to come enjoy God's gift to man with us, I'm sure Naruto would make you a clone."

Sasuke stiffened. He refused to be sucked into that vulgar habit, even if he had to scrub every bathroom with his bare Uchiha hands!

"Hn, like I would read that sorry excuse for a story." The Uchiha defended. Kakashi gave a long suffering sigh.

Naruto, however, remembered that his sensei believed in team bonding. So, without looking up from his book the Uzumaki went over to his brooding teammate. When he reached the older boy he brought out an extra copy of Icha Icha that Kakashi-sensei had given him for converting others. Sticking it out gruffly to his rival, Naruto offered an olive branch.

"Come on…Sasuke. Read with us. At least try it." What happenend next would mark Sasuke Uchiha as the dumbest human to grace the planet in the ANBU's eyes.

…Sasuke was momentarily startled by the gesture and lack of insulting nickname but quickly saw red. Snatching the orange book from the masked blonde the Uchiha smirked while holding it up near a toilet.

"Hn. Trash." Sasuke spoke before ripping the book in half and dunking it into the toilet…

Before promptly peeing his pants as massive killing intent was suddenly aimed at his location, all emanating from his supposed sensei.

"Sasuke- _chan,"_ Kakashi spoke with a sickly sweet accent, "that wasn't very _nice_ or _honorable_ of you, was it? What do you have to say for yourself?"

Sasuke gulped as the form of Kakashi Hatake loomed over him.

"H-hn" The boy grunted defiantly despite his instincts screaming at him to apologize.

"Maa, wrong answer." Was Kakashi's curt reply as his knuckles cracked louder than a clap of thunder.

Naruto and Sakura glanced at Sasuke in a mixture of pity, concern, and anger. Naruto himself couldn't believe his old classmate was that stupid while Sakura found she couldn't defend him; she herself was rooted firmly in place by the dark aura from their sensei and her voice died in her throat. _'Sorry, Sasuke-kun; you're on your own. But, you're an Uchiha, you'll be totally fine, right?'_

 **Next day, training ground seven, four am…**

"Faster, Sasuke-chan! If you can't recite these passages by memory by the time the sun rises, I'll be forced to ask Naruto for some clones so you can role play the parts; teaching manuals do always stress the importance of learning by doing, after all." A perky Kakashi perched upside down on a branch above the black haired genin's head, who was currently wishing Itachi had murdered him all those years ago. Taking a deep breath, he tried reading the script once again.

"…Ruraiya stood atop his noble steed toad, Jamabunta, sword in hand. Msunade sighed happily as her noble knight whispered promises of t-taking h-her flower a-a-and cupping her beautiful c-cups of pleasure. S-she promised her knight to t-take his m-master sword in her hole of- I CAN'T DO IT!" Sasuke Uchiha, emo incarnate, wailed to the sky. Kakashi hummed above him.

"Well, I could let you stop reading it out loud in attempts to memorize it…" Sasuke whipped his blood shot, sleep deprived eyes to meet his sadist of a sensei.

"What is it?! I'll do anything."

"Maa, anything? Excellent." Giggling darkly at his student Kakashi realized that having genin were worth it, if only for moments like these.

Meanwhile, Tenzo took copious notes from a safe distance away.

 _'Sempai, what caused you to go off the deep end?'_

 **Team Seven's meeting spot, three hours after designated meeting time…**

Naruto landed a tad awkwardly as he was in the final chapter of volume one finally. Kakashi-sensei had spent the last three hours drilling taijutsu stances while a single clone read the history book he was supposed to have read his second year. Now though, with a mask to cover the nose bleed, Naruto was enjoying Ruraiya's heroic rescue of the princess. Barely glancing up he intended to give a passing hello when his eyes caught it.

Sasuke. His horrible teammate…reading Icha Icha willingly.

"Maa, sorry we're late, but you see…Naruto was kidnapped by a flamboyant Hyuga who wanted to pull a prank with him and I had to track them down." Kakashi's lazy drawl stopped any questions. Sakura's eye twitched.

"Yeah right. All Hyuga's are the picture of stuffiness."

"Hmm, it's not nice to stereotype…or imply that I would ever lie to my cute little genin." The pink haired genin held up a fist threateningly and the cyclops sweat dropped at how violent she really was. "Accusations aside, to the tower!"

 **Hokage tower, minutes later…**

Hiruzen's eye brow twitched violently. Now there wasn't just his best jonin, grandson like figure, and top Kunoichi blatently ignoring him for smut, but the 'last' loyal Uchiha as well. Granted, the Uchiha managed an 'I don't give a damn' look without the orange covered book, but some how a novel in his face just pushed Hiruzen's buttons the wrong way.

 _'It's spreading like a virus!'_ Hiruzen Sarutobi thought. The aged leader loved his student's work but wouldn't stoop so low as to read it in public. No sane person would.

Apparently no one on team seven was sane.

"Team seven" he sighed in resignation. "You are to babysit councilman Homura's grandchildren. Please don't read that in front of them. Dismissed" Sarutobi finished with a flippant wave. He had more important things to worry about then petty things such as sanity in his ranks, like paperwork.

 _'I did not just think that, did I?'_ The Hokage realized in horror.

 **One week later, after training…**

Naruto walked along side his sensei towards a secluded training ground, curious about this 'alien' he kept hearing about. His muscles burned from running up a tree all day.

Team seven had begun basic formation drills and a chakra control exercise after Sasuke finally began on his journey of Icha Icha. Naruto still had extra instruction though, but his sensei had informed him that now that team bonding could happen, instruction could commence.

"YOSH! MY ETERNAL RIVAL!" The most horrifying noise ever to assault Naruto's ears shouted. Then, he saw IT.

The green.

The eye brows.

It was the alien.

With a fearful glance the blonde was horrified that his sensei just remained calm through it all.

' _He is truly a master'_ The genin thought reverently.

Meanwhile, Kakashi preened at his apprentice's starry eyed look.

' _Oh yes, I'm awesome.'_

 **End! So, how was this? A few things:  
1\. Still, no Naruto and Sakura…or Ino, Hinata, or older women. I hate those pairings, lol, and y'all do too so don't worry. I am considering Yakumo (my currently favorite girl), Samui, or perhaps Temari? Honestly, right now I am not sure how much romance this fic will see.**

 **2\. How did you like the little 'Flamingo and Wolf' dialogue? Most of you should know where those two come from. And no, Hikaru will probably not be in much of this fic, but I just saw a perfect open for a tiny part and had to take it.**

 **3\. A Naruto and Lee challenge next time! I wonder what it will be? Any suggestions? I have several in mind, but a particularly funny or origional one from y'all could replace it.**

 **4\. Naruto will be summoning…something (wink). Not only did I get a ton of reviews with preferences, but legit twenty pm's over it. So, it has been decided.**

 **So, that's it. I'm super busy so I can't update a lot but I am happy that so many people like what I do have so far. In the time between my next update, go read 'Seals are easy, people are hard' for an amusing read- it's one of my favorites now and the author is so creative. Have a FANTASTIC week!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note**

 **Hey guys, Riku here! No, I am not cancelling the story or anything so hold the hate mail. However, I have gotten asked to compose for a youtube group that makes fan videos of the youtube channel 'Danplan'. This is something that sounds like a blast for a music major like me. Also, I am commuting and taking 18 hours next semester. So, here is the GENERAL UPDATE SCHEDULE for the stories- hopefully I will update more and if I can, I will.**

 **First week of month: ATA update**

 **Second week of month: KMM update**

 **Third week of month: ATA OR KMM update (depends- could also have none)**

 **Fourth week of month: nothing- unless I can.**

 ***ANBU's Mascot will be updated as I can, since most of you don't mind waiting for this one and would rather me keep the other 2 stories going.**

 **This is the schedule until Summer (May) when I will be home mostly with time to write like last summer. However, I am hoping to have more writing time before then.**

 **I will be updating KMM either tonight or after Christmas as the chapter is almost done.**

 **Finally, thank you all for your support! I love that each of you guys are understanding that while I love fanfiction, I also have a life and opportunities to take. However, fanfiction is important to me too; it's where I've met my best friend, improved my writing, and have opened the door to another way of socializing (PM's with fellow authors or readers) that I hadn't realized I needed at the time. I started reading fanfiction last December after my mother died and I was at a college hundreds of miles from home. Alone in my dorm room, I read through a ton of Naruto, Magi, and Zelda fanfiction as a way to deal with lonliness. Then this summer, as I felt the world feel bright again, I began writing stories. The response from y'all was phenominal, especially after I started Mascot. Fanfiction has become the place I express myself, but only because of how awesome each and every person that reads my works are. Please accept my humble gratitude and promise that I will continue to write on the site…**

 **I mean, we have to see what happens with Hikaru, Deidara, Naruto, Shisui, and Yakumo, right?**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4**

 **AN: Hehe, Riku here, awkwardly apologizing for her lateness. In my defense I have had this done for awhile…it's just been resting in my computer files. I am ashamed of that, but it's here now. This is only thanks to guest review that urged me to update that sparked my memory. Clearly I need more sleep y'all!**

 **So, time for the much anticipated 'Lee v. Naruto' battle, the first in a beautiful friendship. .NEH recommended this challenge and I knew it was perfect. Thank them for this idea as they deserve an amazing pat on the back.**

 **Please enjoy and know that I don't own Naruto…I mean it is kinda obvious.**

 **Moments later, with Naruto…**

Naruto couldn't help but attempt to step back as his supposed 'opponent' _twirled_ towards him in gusto. However, a gloved hand firmly pushed him back with a muttered 'show no fear.' Gulping Naruto held out a hand.

"Hello." He tried, only to be pulled into a hug.

"HELLO MY MOST YOUTHFUL RIVAL! I AM ROCK LEE, THE BEAUTIFUL GREEN BEAST OF KONOHA!" Lee shouted in greeting and spun around, carrying a nauseous Naruto along for the ride.

Naruto repressed the urge to vomit as he felt lights flashing and a camera clicking. When the world stopped spinning he glared at his sensei, who was happily taking photos and ignoring the green monstrosity.

" _Sensei,_ " He began with an evil smile as an idea struck, "Don't you think that taking pictures is very _youthful?_ " Kakashi turned white and pocketed the camera away with a narrowed eye.

"How clever, Naruto- _chan._ I hope you kept more than my wit as Lee is a taijutsu specialist. Not to mention he has over a year in the field, neh?" Kakashi retorted to the- in his opinion at least- little devil child.

"My RIVAL! As it is our first battle I will let you pick the challenge! OUR YOUTH WILL BURN THROUGH OUR OPPOSITION TO EACH OTHER!" Lee said with gusto. Naruto sweat dropped before remembering the wise teachings of his sensei.

 **Flashback, walk over…**

Naruto raised an eyebrow at his sensei's words.

"You and Guy-sensei…don't actually fight?" He asked, head tilted in confusion.

"Maa, of course we do. Well, we do in the sense that it is two shinobi trying to complete opposing tasks- or do a task quicker than the other. It's more that Guy really doesn't care whether if I challenge him to rock paper scissors or a no holds spar." Kakashi replied airily, a lazy eye smile present.

"So…don't fight this Lee guy in ninja stuff?" Naruto asked with squinted eyes.

"Exactly my cute little apprentice. I couldn't be prouder."

As Naruto continued the walk- with lazy purpose of course- he couldn't help but be confused. _'What's all this talk about apprentices?'_

 **Back to the Present…**

Naruto resisted the urge to cover his ears as a loud belting laugh drew him from his thoughts.

"KAKASHI, MY RIVAL! What a most YOUTHFUL choice for a battle between MEN! A ROCK PAPER SCISSORS BATTLE OF THE AGES. YOUTH AGAINST HIP. Mano verse Mano!" Guy gave another thumbs up. Kakashi sighed, much to Naruto's awe.

 _'Even his sighs are cool!'_ The masked blonde thought. Lee…was more vocal in his admiration.

"Guy-sensei! Your youth has no limits! GUY-SENSEI!" Guy whipped around, tears in his eyes.

"Lee, your YOUTH burns bright and strong! Oh, Lee."

"Guy- sensei!" Lee said with tears streaming down his face.

"LEE!" Might Guy embraced Lee in bone crushing hug.

"Guy- SENSEI!" Lee embraced back.

"OH LEEE!" A sunset appeared behind the youthful pair, it's beautifulness marred by the sight of green aliens sharing an intimate moment between sensei and student.

"GUY- SENSEI!"

Through all of this, Naruto's mask of learned indifference was broken. Collapsing onto the training grounds, the jinchuuriki of the nine tails felt his soul depart.

Only to have it shoved cruelly back by a jab in the ribs.

"Ouch, sensei" He hissed. To the right was Kakashi, face buried in the newest edition of Icha Icha.

"What did I say about looking at them when they start shouting their names?" The jonin chided.

With a final glare Naruto turned back to the now de sunsetted pair, and grinned.

"Neh, Lee, I know what our first battle should be." Instantly Naruto was inches from a star eyed Rock Lee.

"My RIVAL! What shall be our FIRST YOUTHFUL SHOW CASE?!" Naruto puffed out his chest, and took a deep breath.

"Lee, I challenge you… to see which sensei is the better shinobi! We will watch them fight each other… through rock paper scissors!" He finished. Guy and Lee were twirling in excitement, while Kakashi…

 _'That little brat! I never had anyone to fight my battles for me, the sneak.'_ The masked jonin thought, keeping an outward calm that could put a fence to shame.

"A most excellent choice, Naruto-san! If your sensei wins I will run around the village five thousand times on my pinkies! And if I fail at running around the village on my pinkies I will do ten thousand pushups with only my breath! And if I can not do ten thousand pushups with only my breath I will.."

 **Five minutes later (poor Naruto)…**

The training grounds were silent. No movement could be found on them, save for a lone flyer for 'Ninja babies R' Us! Ten percent off their first shinobi sandals" that danced between the two challengers in a dusty gust of wind.

"Listen up, Kakashi, today is the day our tie is broken. Our record is forty eight to forty eight. Soon it will be forty eight to forty nine in my favor." Guy boasted while he stretched despite the lack of physical exertion required for the game of rock paper scissors.

Kakashi sighed at his friend's exuberance over the silly challenge. However, he would not be beat, not in front of his student.

So, Kakashi Hatake, the famed 'comrades must never be left behind or betrayed,' cast a subtle genjutsu on his best friend.

Without remorse, of course.

"Let's get this over with then." The masked ninja held out a fisted hand, Might Guy following suite.

"Rock" They said in unison.

"Paper" The two genin waited with baited breaths, each believing their sensei would triumph.

"Scissors!" And, just like Kakashi 'foretold,' Guy threw down paper with such gusto it sliced through the air, and in response the copy cat ninja nonchalantly cut the paper with his 'scissors'.

In one instant, two green beasts were doomed to a fate of humiliation and absurd exercises, while two 'hip and cool' shinobi were given bragging rights and ego boosts.

"YATTA!" Naruto shouted before dodging a head slap. Giving a sheepish chuckle the genin calmed down. "Good job sensei."

"Come along now, my student; it's time we checked your chakra affinity." Naruto blinked at that, completely ignoring the exhuberant duo behind him who had started on their 'run'.

"But sensei, isn't that stuff for chunin? The book said so."

"Maa, don't you worry your pretty little head about what the book says, Naruto; besides, Ibiki will eat his words when your paper shows lightning. Bah, sensei's wind affinity was so rare, it's doubtful you'd have it" Kakashi muttered the last part.

"Uh, Kakashi- sensei? You okay" Naruto asked.

''Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"N-no reason." Naruto assured him, feeling very uneasy when he received a ghostly smile.

"Good. Now let's go pick your affinity- I mean discover what it is."

 **Meanwhile, in the Hokage Tower…**

"Did Senpai really use genjutsu" One ANBU asked in disbelief.

"To defeat Guy" Another added.

"At a game?" Finished a third ANBU.

"Forget that, what does he mean by 'Pick your affinity?" Yugao muttered.

"Well whatever it is, I'm sure it will be a blast, am I right?" A certain ANBU joked.

Multiple groans were heard throughout the group crowded around the spying orb while its master was away for a smoke.

Meanwhile, Kakashi felt a sudden urge to beat his old subordinates for invading his privacy, much to his confusion.

 **END! So, how did you guys like this? Again, I am super sorry for not posting this… next time if I haven't updated by Sunday of the assigned week, someone PM me please. Anyways, the pairing for Naruto has been chosen! Next time I will tell you who it is, my apologies if your preference isn't chosen, it's just we ended up having to sit down and sort through sooo many reviews and PMs to count it.**

 **Finally, Naruto will have dogs as a summons- well, dogs and foxes because so many of you want two contracts, haha. The new poll I have to ask for is this:**

 **The first mission outside the village is coming up. The choices of locations are this:**

 **Land of Rice**

 **Land of Waves (not the wave mission…please don't pick this lol)**

 **Hidden Waterfall**

 **Hidden Cloud**

 **Moon Country**

 **PM me your choice and if you have a character you want them to meet- I may not have the character in that chapter but you know I love hearing from y'all! See ya.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 5**

 **AN: Hey y'all, Riku here! Time for another adventure in Mini- me crazy town. Hope it's enjoyable, and as always, feel free to critique or suggest in the comments.**

 **With Naruto and Kakashi, training grounds…**

"Alright, Naruto, just channel your chakra into the paper and watch it crumple up into a ball!" Kakashi ordered cheerfully. A confused Naruto took the paper and let a small amount of his chakra into the square sheet. His confusion rose even more when it didn't 'crumple up into a ball' but shredded into six pieces.

"Ne, Kakashi-sensei, what's this mean again? I forgot what the paper's properties were." Naruto looked up sheepishly only to see Kakashi staring blankly at the paper shards whispering their way down to the earth, mocking the jonin the whole way.

 _Not a lightning affinity._ They seemed to taunt the jonin.

"Sensei? Sensei are you alright?" The blonde worriedly waved a hand in front of his role model's lone eye. Kakashi blinked and came to his senses.

"Maa, of course I'm alright, my cute little student. The paper being cut so many times signifies you have a strong wind affinity; it's the rarest affinity in Konoha, actually." Silence rang out before Naruto did a fist bump in the air.

"Yatta! Take that, Sasuke- teme! I have something cool you don't- a rare affinity!"

"But!" Kakashi interrupted with a raised hand. "Seeing as wind is clearly less cool than lightning, we're going to say 'screw the test' and unleash your potential as a lighting jutsu master!" The jonin finished off way too cheerfully for the genin's- and the ANBU/ Hokage who were observing through the crystal ball in Sarutobi's office- liking.

"But sensei, I read in the books that you have to first complete your primary affinity before learning a secondary one?" The masked blonde asked the masked silver haired, who just chuckled.

"As my student you will learn that such petty expectations are beneath us 'hip and cool' shinobi. We get to pick our affinities, with some minor hardships" He whispered the last part. "Now, hold on tight!" Kakashi said before slugging a protesting Naruto over his shoulder. In a burst of speed they were off to God only knows where.

 **Hokage Tower, Minutes later…**

Hiruzen Sarutobi had never witnessed such insane 'affinity pride' as he had just seen in one Kakashi Hatake. For one who knew jutsu from every element, the former ANBU captain was rather keen to force an incompatible elemental affinity into an untrained genin.

 _'This was not what I was expecting to see when I came in to find twenty of my best and brightest crowded around my orb.'_ The old kage thought. Resisting a face palm as the ANBU around him exchanged quiet bets over what Kakashi would do next, Sarutobi cleared his throat.

"Now, why don't we all realize that Kakashi is more than likely just playing a little prank on my surrogate grandson. There would be a better chance of hell freezing over than Kakashi trying something stupid with Naruto." Sarutobi assured everyone- and himself- closing his eyes and nodding.

"Um, sir, then why are they at the Lighting Cliffs and why is the orange menace- I mean Naruto- holding two lighting rods?" An ANBU asked sheepishly, pointing to perhaps the stupid 'training' scene anyone had ever seen. The Hokage's eyes popped open before he was instantly on his feet, giving rapid.

"Tiger! Boar! Cat! With me, everyone else on standby. We are going to stop Kakashi before he digs his own- and ours- grave!"

 **With Kakashi and Naruto, moments before at the infamous 'Lightning Cliffs"…**

"Um, Kakashi- sensei, are you _sure_ this will work?" Naruto asked, squinted eyes holding suspicion as he looked from the lightning rods- one in each hand- and the cliff above teaming with endless crackles of lightning.

"Maa, maa, Naruto; have some faith in your favorite sensei, ne?"

"But Iruka- sensei is my favorite!" Naruto retorted, defending the man who saved him from Mizuki and always gave him ramen. Never noticing how Kakashi's lone eye darkened, the genin was unaware of how complicated he just made his so called 'favorite' sensei's life.

 _'So you want to play it that way, eh, Iruka? Well perhaps it's time Kakashi here shows who is top dog.'_ Kakashi thought darkly.

 **With Iruka…**

Dedicated academy teacher Iruka Umino had just spent his day in the most rewarding way possible- grading papers. Yes, the young scarred shinobi in question was not one to bemoan paper work but embrace it. His whole class being on a field trip to the Konoha berry fields left Iruka the alone time he needed to be productive…

Until an unbridled feeling of joy filled his core.

 _'Ah, perhaps one of my former students are thanking me for all I taught them'_ the academy chunin thought while sipping on tea…

Onlyto drop it on all the freshly graded papers as pure terror ripped through him.

 _'Who the hell did I piss off to be able to send me KI so far away? Perhaps a vacation to Iwa is in order if I'm getting this feeling I'm about to be murdered in my sleep here.'_

 **Back With Naruto and Kakashi…**

Neither teacher or student realized their affect on poor Iruka Umino and thus went on with operation: choose an affinity! Even if there was really only one willing party to the hair- brained scheme.

"So you want me, a new genin," Naruto started slowly while looking at the cliffs once more.

"Yes."

"To take these rods."

"Well the metal in kunai aren't as effective as chakra channeling metal, after all."

"And stand on the cliff, just waiting for lightning to hit me."

"That would be preferable to nothing happening."

"All so that I can get a lightning affinity in a way not even you're sure will work?"

"When you put it that way it does sound ludicrous. But! This is chakra infused lightning as the legends say, and you have super healing from your tenant! I'm sure this will work out."

"…" Was Naruto's dead panned response. He may be a knuckle headed shinobi, but he wasn't suicidal.

"If this works I'll teach you my signature lighting jutsu…" Naruto gave a still half suspicious squint. "…that will beat Sasuke's fire jutsu." Kakashi added into his offer, carrot dangling so tempting in front of the young genin.

"See you at the top, sensei!" Naruto shouted and used his newly acquired tree walking to race up the steep, awe inspiring cliff. After all, Naruto was a pre- teen age boy, and a genin, also known as 'the perfect combination to be easily bribed into doing Kakashi's bidding'.

With a chuckle at his apprentice's – future apprentice, he had to remind himself- antics, the copy cat ninja pulled out his favorite little orange book to pass the time before Naruto rewrote what was possible.

 **Five minutes later…**

The now battle ready Hokage and three slightly panting ANBU arrive in time to see the completely insane Naruto Uzumaki- the only person holding back their worst nightmare- proudly lift duel chakra poles at an incoming bolt.

"No! Naruto!" Sarutobi shouted over the crackle as his surrogate grandson shouted:

"Yaaaattta" with all the force they could muster the new arrivals ran up the rocky side, not paying attention to the fact that Kakashi Hatake was doing the same exact thing, worry having won out at the last instant.

 **In the seal…**

Kurama, the most dangerous- and awesome in his humble opinion- of the tailed beasts had been having a wonderful dream that involved him eating Madara and banning ramen for all eternity.

'Had been' was the key phrase as more voltage shot through his seal- leaving his hair sticking everywhere- than the time Asura and Indra separated the island of Waves using their new 'toy'- the legendary thunder bolt Kurama's father had crafted for them. Kurama had been sleeping peacefully in a cave for the week when those insufferable brats had 'accidentally' sent a spare blast into his temporary lair.

Kurama had never liked those humans.

Now though, the ancient being would have preferred such a shock compared to being woken up for the first time in almost a decade by his new container's stupidity.

 _ **I swear, Shukaku has it easy being sealed in those jars!**_ Kurama thought grumpily as he glanced through the brat's memories, which only caused him to face paw.

 _ **Trying to gain a lighting affinity? What kind of baka thinks this is the way to do it!**_ He thought, this time in utter disbelief. However, checking out the seal for weaknesses and feeling his container's chakra…

 _ **You have got to be shitting me. The blast not only made his seal stronger but this?!...I'm going back to sleep.**_ Muttering about the unfairness of the world, Kurama the nine tailed fox rolled over in an attempt to find another comfortable sleeping position.

 **Back outside the seal…**

Naruto groaned as he tried to sit up, but felt his Jiji's hand pushing him down.

"It's okay Naruto, you're alive- amazingly- so just rest." Sarutobi ordered kindly. Naruto's clothes were intact- Kakashi had only bought him the same clothes he used to wear, which were built for lighting users- and the burns were healing up.

Naruto nodded along. Kakashi arrived with an eye smile, ignoring the glares of the Hokage and the ANBU (even if theirs were hidden.). Walking confidently up to his student, Kakashi put a piece of chakra paper in his twitching hands, not commenting on the singed hair that had specks of white.

"Let's try this again" he ordered.

"Kakashi, you're lucky he's alive!"

"Senpai, that's not how this works you know!" The ANBU protested. They were silenced though by Naruto's paper crumbling up into a tight ball. Kakashi didn't comment but patted his student on the head and carried him off, telling the boy that Ichirakus was in his future for a job well done.

The ANBU and Hokage were sharing slack jawed looks. Boar moved to comment but felt Tenzo's hand on his shoulder, signifying to shut up.

"…I'm too old for this shit," Sarutobi muttered finally, and started walking home, pipe in hand.

 **And finally, with our lovable one-eyed war hawk…**

"…. Well at least we know the weapon is seemingly unbreakable." Danzo said after a long pause when he received the report.

 **End! Hope this was a blast, I enjoyed writing it today!**

 **Within the next couple of chapters they have their C rank, so let me know your preferences from the last chapter! The choices are:**

 **Land of Waves (not the wave mission…)**

 **Hidden Waterfall**

 **Hidden Cloud**

 **Moon Country**

 **I know the way he got his affinity was ridiculous, but this isn't a really serious fan fiction… plus, it's kinda more like something that would happen to Naruto verses how Sasuke just beat him self into the ground to learn fire jutsu before training with it or learning what could arguably be his primary, lightning. For Naruto, gaining a primary lightning affinity (though still keep his wind) is just so…Naruto.**

 **Kurama…honestly I just like messing with the poor fuzz ball in every fan fiction of mine, so I hope you enjoyed it.**

 **Go check out 'Seals are Easy, People are Hard' for an excellent- and hilarious- read. Kakashi is turning Naruto into a gentlemen pervert in it so I think y'all will get a kick out of it.**

 **Finally, have a great spring break everyone. See you next time!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **AN: Heya everyone! I'm back and ready to continue Naruto's adventures as a future apprentice to Konoha's second most eccentric jonin. Onto the wonderful hijinks of Kakashi's mini me!**

 **Note: last chapter I accidentally made it sound like lighting replaced wind as Naruto's affinity; it didn't, it's now a duel main affinity. Of course in Kakashi's mind wind is the lesser secondary.**

 **Ichiraku's ramen bar, forty minutes after 'Operation: Choose your affinity'…**

When Teuchi Ichiraku welcomed his favorite customers arrive, the aged ramen chef repressed his shock. Kakashi Hatake, a boy he's seen go from stoic, to heartbroken to…eccentric currently, was giving the sky the middle finger while muttering something about the 'universe sucking it as his apprentice gained lighting super powers'. Next to him was Naruto in the rather fashionable get up he had taken to wearing since he became a genin, though Teuchi was sure lighting sparks and the white specks in his sunny blonde hair was new. Dutifully ignoring the fact that every bowl disappeared behind the masks, the ramen stand owner did what he always did and kept the bowls coming. After all, no matter the strangeness of the scene, Naruto alone would fund the way to his retirement, and one doesn't simply annoy their beach front mansion fund.

"Teuchi- jiji!" Naruto called after thirty minutes and twenty bowls meeting their maker in the Jinchuuriki's stomach. "Kakashi- sensei is paying, so can I have five bowls to go please?"

Meanwhile Kakashi Hatake felt his life saving draining into his apprentice to be's stomach and mentally cried as each ryo was handed over to a cackling ramen stand owner.

"I- I need to go lay down. Naruto, normal time tomorrow, okay?" The copy nin asked absently and disappeared in a swirl of leaves, bemoaning his choice to treat the legendary 'ramen vacuum' to dinner.

' _Next time I'll just get Tenzo to pay; the man is rather gullible after all.'_ Kakashi chuckled darkly at his inner thoughts once he reached the safety of his apartment.

Meanwhile, Naruto started his toddle home with a bag of ramen and enlarged stomach. Waving to the gleeful ramen stand owner and Ayame, the genin never noticed the four ANBU surrounding him until he bumped into one.

"Hey Flamingo- teme" He said automatically at the sight of his arch nemesis in the corps, Flamingo. The two had been at odds since his childhood when he had 'accidentally' dumped orange sticky paint on the man on his first day in ANBU (also known as 'survive the Orange terror day' in the corps, not that Naruto was aware.).

"Bane of my existence" Flamingo bit out just as instinctively and the group fell into an awkward silence. The small crowd of ANBU started gathering attention so the agent cleared his throat. "Hokage- sama has ordered a full medical evaluation following your defiance of all that is good and natural this afternoon. Please come quietly." Unlike last time went unsaid.

Normal genin, heck normal shinobi, would tremble at the sight of four ANBU in a diamond formation around them, especially as one was holding a net (even there was a slight tremble in his hands).

"Oh yeah? Just try it; you couldn't even catch me in the academy! I ain't going to get a shot again!" Naruto, based on his bold proclamation, was not an ordinary shinobi. All the ANBU save for Flamingo flinched in remembrance last time Naruto was required to go to the hospital…

Despite outward appearances, Konoha had a vested interest in its Jinchuuriki being somewhat healthy. As such, yearly check ups and vaccines for various diseases and poisons (build up the resistance young, as Danzo proposed when asked why a six-year-old Naruto was given sixty times the lethal does for nightshade) were required. For the first few years, it was child's play to drag the screaming child to his two-day stint where he would receive a check up, shots, and a seal evaluation (of course he was unconscious for this part). The plan was to make Konoha's Jinchuuriki able to survive longer when assassination attempts inevitably happened. However, over the years it got increasingly difficult to impart the gift of immunity to the brat. Last year it turned into a ten day long evasion course by the child who ended up being captured by Iruka Umino and seventeen ANBU who needed fifteen times the lethal dose of sedatives to take him down for an _hour_.

The night the blonde terror was captured had been filled with cheers and alcohol at ANBU HQ. Now though, Flamingo wasn't sure his squad could beat the orange menace who could spam the use of shadow clones and tree walking with terrifying ease. No longer did they have that advantage over the brat, much to the ANBUs' ire. Hokage- sama insisted on giving Naruto the chance to be mature and head in willingly, hence the wait for Kakashi- baka (Flamingo's personal nickname for his old rival captain) to leave and a food coma induced Naruto to head out.

Too bad for the idealistic Hokage, but Kakashi Hatake was notorious for venemently hating all things medical, and had instructed his pupil on the art of 'evading the white coat- temes.'

"Catch me if you can!" The genin screamed as he switched with a random stranger using a kawarimi before a net could be placed. Flamingo's eye twitched while he began giving orders even as five hundred banes of his existence covered the streets.

"All units, after the menace! Do not let him reach the forest! I REPEAT: DO NOT LET HIM REACH THE FOREST!" The irate and hysterical captain barked into his head set.

"Sure, sure, cousin!" The one voice Flamingo didn't want to hear crackled over the radio waves. The Hyuga ANBU ripped his head set out and glared at his subordinates.

"Somebody, anybody: get me Iruka Umino. Something tells me he's our only hope."

"YES CAPTAIN!" Was the resounding reply.

 **With Iruka, moments before, at his apartment…**

One Iruka Umino was finally settled down after settling his nerves from earlier. His mind was in turmoil as he sipped a fresh cup of tea.

 _'Man, I need a vacation if it took thirty minutes to calm myself from a 'feeling'. I'm a beloved academy teacher and Mizuki is in prison; who could possibly wish me harm?'_

The oblivious instructor stretched his sore muscles when his friend Deer from ANBU suddenly crashed through the window like a married Icha Icha fan during _that time_ of the month.

"AIIIIII!" Was Iruka's shrill reaction. Poising his now empty cup as a weapon, the chunin prepared to strike the imposter down, as Deer was extremely introverted.

"Nani?! Iruka- senpai, it's me, Haku Sadachi, your childhood friend!" Deer removed his mask just enough for his face to be shown. Indeed, Iruka's dear friend and kohai was staring back at him with terror filled eyes. Iruka sighed and set his tea cup down.

"Haku, what's wrong? Mice are generally louder than you!" Haku shifted from foot to foot.

"Well you see, it's about Naruto- san" Iruka was across the room and shaking Deer violently.

"What's happened? Is he hurt?! Did he get kidnapped?! Tell me now!" Deer turned green under his mask as Iruka continued the barrage of questions and held up his hands for mercy. "Oh, I apologize Haku, I get a tad overprotective about Naruto; please, proceed with telling me who I must kill."

Haku Sadachi wished his old senpai a pleasant life in hell as he described why Naruto must be captured quickly with a hidden sweat drop.

 **Ten minutes later….**

"I'LL KILL THAT SON OF A BITCH! LET ME GO HAKU OR YOU'LL BECOME A CASULTY!" Iruka struggled against Deer's firm hand.

"Senpai, don't you think we should first bring Naruto- san in for a check up?" Deer asked, ever the voice of reason. That stopped Iruka cold.

"….Of course," Iruka said after a moment. "Let's go scoop up my wayward student."

"Excellent plan, Senpai."

"Then it's off with Kakashi's balls."

"…." Deer wisely chose not to answer and followed the legendary 'Orange menace tracker' as the scarred man was known in ANBU.

 **With Naruto…**

Naruto cackled in glee as he evaded yet another ANBU with a net by switching with clones. Said clone created more Narutos while the original flooded five hundred more across the edge of the village. Running through the back streets, Naruto found himself in an abandoned part of Konoha that that itched of death from the Kyubi attack.

 _'Though cleaned up, I still get a creepy vibe from this place,"_ Naruto shuddered at the barren ruins. A clone popping itself nearby to warn the original about advancing ANBU made him push forward, however, through an old ramen shop that had obviously seen better days. Going through the store, Naruto saw an open door off to the side with a cellar door.

"Hmm, what's this?" He mused aloud when it opened to a dark passageway before shrugging and doing what any preteen boy would do in a shinobi village; he entered it with zero regard for safety.

Twenty minutes of scurrying later, Naruto was having a blast peeking into the weird rooms that scattered the corridors, though he made a mental note to not go back to the one with severed heads on spikes.

"Hehe those losers will never find me now!" The Jinchuuriki boasted in the spirit of adventure only to turn a corner and crash into something solid. Gathering his bearings, the genin blinked and let his eyes go upwards.

And thus, Konoha's Jinchuuriki staring a confused Danzo Shimura in the eye.

 _'Something tells me I'm not supposed to be here.'_ The boy thought with trepidation.

 **END! That's a wrap folks. I hope all of y'all enjoyed it, as I loved writing it. A couple of things:**

 **What will poor Naruto do, alone in a corridor with the most dangerous man (besides an Iruka in 'protect Naruto mode')? How will our Mini me survive?**

 **ANBU's Mascot is ending next chapter so if you haven't already go check out the story and tell me what you think of it!**

 **Go check out 'Sign Here For ANBU' by Zabzab. Their story is an awesome take on Naruto joining ANBU and I know y'all will love it.**

 **Last time to give your imput on the first 'out of village' mission! Remember the options are:**

 **Land of Waves (not the wave mission…)**

 **Hidden Waterfall**

 **Hidden Cloud**

 **Moon Country**

 **Finally, a HUGE SHOUTOUT to my BETA! I feel like a real writer, finally having an official beta. Go give** **Dragonfire987** **a thank you in the reviews or PMs for their hard work helping me with this chapter. They're an amazing Beta.**

 **Have a fantastic week everyone, I will be seeing you guys in the next update.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

 **AN: Hey my adorable readers! Riku here and ready to bring y'all more giggles and kicks. Exams have ended so I'm getting back into writing. My apologies if I haven't answered your reviews for the story lately, I've just been busy, but I do read them. Promise!**

 ***For you fans of comedy, my other story, 'ANBU's Mascot', is about to get its final chapter, so feel free to go give the story a read and tell me what you think.**

 **Note: Never have I ever owned Naruto. If I did I'd make the moon country movie cannon.**

 **Previously on Kakashi's Mini- Me…**

 _"Hmm, what's this?" He mused aloud when it opened to a dark passageway before shrugging and doing what any preteen boy would do in a shinobi village; he entered it with zero regard for safety._

 _Twenty minutes of scurrying later, Naruto was having a blast peeking into the weird rooms that scattered the corridors, though he made a mental note to not go back to the one with severed heads on spikes._

 _"Hehe those losers will never find me now!" The Jinchuuriki boasted in the spirit of adventure only to turn a corner and crash into something solid. Gathering his bearings, the genin blinked and let his eyes go upwards._

 _And thus, Konoha's Jinchuuriki staring a confused Danzo Shimura in the eye._

 _'Something tells me I'm not supposed to be here.'_ _The boy thought with trepidation._

 **In ROOT's Passageways, with Naruto…**

Naruto looked up at the weird bandaged guy in slight confusion, feeling a chill run up his spine. For some reason the man in front of him screamed _'I hate Ramen!'_

"Say, Mummy man, do you like ramen?" Naruto asked, tilting his head.

 **Back with Iruka (and poor, poor Deer) …**

Konoha's resident 'Orange- menace tracker' was looking in horror at the blonde and white speckled haired masses. All five hundred or so cackling genin were goading Iruka with 'Ne, Iruka- sensei, which one of us is the real one' and other such immature drabble. The chunin ignored them all however, and smirked.

"None of you." He said confidently. Every single ANBU in the vicinity stiffened at the implication. "Now, all of you dispel or I'll make the real you help out in Konohamaru's class for a MONTH!"

The air hung heavy as the clones contemplated that, then as one they all went poof. Deer mechanically turned to his senpai.

"Se- senpai… if you ever want a pay raise, ANBU has a spot for you." Deer promised. Iruka chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of his head.

"Heh, I'm happy where I am, but thank you; now it's time to find my knuckle headed student." Iruka pulled a small tuning fork from his vest and ANBU surrounded the man. "Now," he says while making the ram seal, "Academy super secrete jutsu: trouble maker tracker!"

The fork began to glow and pulled Iruka in the direction of run- down portion of the village. Like puppies who's mother held a treat, the ANBU dutifully followed their chunin comrade, one thought shared amongst them.

 _'I will bribe this God amongst men for that jutsu!'_

 **Back to Danzo and Naruto…**

Danzo Shimura, the darkness of shinobi and most dangerous man in the shadows, blinked back surprise. It wasn't often someone could make him do a double take, but the resident Jinchuuriki had done it twice. However, Danzo never looked a gift horse in the mouth, and dredged up from his memory everything his agents told him about the brat. Putting on a kind smile, Danzo looked his future weapon in the eye.

"Why of course, young shinobi; only a monster would hate ramen." Only Danzo's shinobi training kept him from gagging; truthfully the ROOT leader abhorred the dish; his late wife had made it every night and the woman was a rather… unique culinary artist. Never had someone burned _water._ When the Jinchuuriki brightened in happiness, Danzo knew he had done the right thing. It was now just a simple case of kidnapping the boy. All for the good of Konoha, of course.

"Well then you're clearly not evil!" The boy declared in absolute certainty.

Danzo raised an eye brow when Naruto grimaced right after smiling. "Is something the matter, Uzumaki?"

"No.. well Iruka- sensei just made every single one of my clones dispel." He admitted sheepishly while rubbing his forehead, slightly dizzy. He never noticed Danzo's eye sharpen slightly.

"How would you like to learn a jutsu?" Danzo stuck the carrot out there. Unsurprisingly it worked like a charm with the chunin.

"YATTA! WOULD I EVER! YOU'RE THE BEST MUMMY- SAN" Naruto yelled in happiness. To Danzo's horror there seemed to be stars in the boy's eyes.

 _'Funny, I wasn't aware he could cast genjutsu… wait, why can't Shisui's eye expel it?'_ The ROOT leader was highly disturbed, but took control of the situation quickly.

"First off, you must follow some rules."

"Anything!" Naruto promised while he followed Danzo through the halls.

"Rule number one: you will only address me as 'Danzo- sama' while I am instructing you."

"Right, Danzo- sama!"

"Second, you will listen to everything I say, when I say it."

"Uh huh" The blonde had pulled out the 'Icha- Icha' novel he had been reading, ignoring the slight sparks that came off the pages due to the ordeal it had went through. Growing a twitch from the clear disrespect, Danzo snatched the book away.

"Our first order of business is to rid you of your bad habits, particularly the ones that failure of a Hatake has instilled upon you." With a harsh glare Danzo snapped his fingers and the offending book burst into flames.

And that's when the halls filled with a torrent of red chakra…

Naruto's eyes were shadowed by his bangs but the cloak spoke of his feelings perfectly.

"You… you mock my sensei, and then you dare to burn the first gift anyone has given me in person… I'll… I'll…. **I'LL KILL YOU!"** By the end Naruto's voice had become demonic and he rushed Danzo's still form with out stretched, clawed hands. With surprising speed augmented by Kyubi's chakra and accuracy from Kakashi's training, Naruto aimed at the throat. Danzo dodged backwards with great limberness not befitting his years and made a single hand sign.

"You will cease this immediately." The war hawk commanded. Tree branches that oozed Hashirama cells ensnared the berserk Jinchuuriki and multiple ROOT agents created a semi- circle around the blond. One walked up and knocked the boy out with the blunt end of a kunai. "Please tell me our chakra barriers are still up" Danzo said. The one with the kunai nodded.

"Of course, Danzo- sama."

"…Excellent. Fuu, take the weapon to a cell and then prepare a rumor of Orochimaru kidnapping it; that upstart was always too bitter about Minato so him snatching his son is entirely plausible."

"Hai, Danzo- sama" The ROOT ANBU bowed and followed their orders to perfection.

"Soon. Soon, I will have a perfectly obedient weapon to destroy Hiruzen with and protect Konoha." Danzo chuckled. "It seems karma is finally paying me back for how wonderful I am." With that ego boost he ambled down the hall and prepared for the endless council meetings this would cause.

 **Inside the seal…**

Kurama was not happy with today; not only was he rudely awoken by his inane container defying every law of nature Kurama held dear (and strengthened the seal) but then managed to yank his chakra away from him. Then, to top it off, Kurama was subjected to that thrice dammed 'wood style' that Hashirama- teme captured him with. Now his container was sitting in front of him with a tilted head, looking extremely confused.

It was clearly not the fox's day.

"Hey, you're the kyubi, aren't you?" The blonde brat asked. Kurama's eye twitched.

 **'No, I'm a fluffy eleven eared rabbit; OF COURSE I'M THE KYUBI NO KITSUNE YOU INGRANE!'** Kurama roared and beat his head into the bars. It seemed he was fated to be stuck with someone who was half blind or all stupid; Kurama didn't know yet which one his container fit into.

"Oh… well where are we and how do I get out so I can beat that basterd up for insulting Kakashi- sensei?" Naruto asked.

'…'

"Huff, if you're not going to tell me I'll make you." And with that, Naruto walked _through_ the bars and jumped on Kurama's nose.

Kurama sputtered at the sheer audacity of the brat but was too shocked to move. Nobody, not even Hashirama- teme, dared to get on his nose when he wasn't restrained.

"Well? Where am I? And my name's Naruto? What's yours?"

 **'Grr, why would I care what your name is?! Much less tell you mine."** Slitted red eyes met sparkling blue. Naruto shrugged.

"Well the book on manners that Kakashi- sensei made me read said to give your name before asking for some one else's. And I don't think calling you 'Fuzzy Butty' is a good idea." Naruto said with a grin behind the face mask. Kurama couldn't help it; he face faulted.

 **'… We're in your seal obviously; you got us captured by that man with one eye. Currently they are placing chakra suppression seals on your body.'**

"…Oh… well how do I get out of here?!" Naruto asked frantically. Kurama rolled his eyes.

 **'Just focus on leaving.'**

"Okay! Thanks Fuzzy Butty!" Naruto exclaimed and casually jumped off the large fox.

 **'DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME, THE GREAT KURAMA, 'FUZZY BUTTY! I WILL END YOU! I WILL FLAY YOUR FLESH AND BURN YOUR PATHETIC VILLAGE TO THE GROUND; I WILL'**

"So your name's Kurama? Cool, later Kurama, I'll come visit soon!" With a final wave Naruto disappeared and Kurama realized he'd been tricked. By a thirteen year old. Who couldn't even control a chakra element yet.

 **'CURSE YOU NARUTO UZUMAKI!'** Here the fox paused before adding, **'AND YOU TOO MINATO.'**

Naruto sniggered when he woke up in the damp cell alone, glad Kakashi- sensei's lessons on 'pissing your opponent off into doing what you want' paid off; he couldn't wait to tell his sensei about it over ramen!

But first, how to get out of here? The room was full of chakra suppressing seals (as was he, according to Kurama) and he was wrapped in a straight jacket.

 _'Heh, too bad, suckers, but Kakashi- sensei taught us all how to get out of such petty restraints'._ Naruto remembered that day rather fondly, as it was the first time Sasuke lost in a fair contest with him.

 **Flashback! Several days before in the forest…**

"I just spread some bear hormones on all of you. I'd say you have an hour tops before a lonely bear comes looking for love; you have until then to escape" Kakashi remarked viciously and used a shunshin to leave. Sakura turned to her team mates.

"Naruto… Sasuke- kun… we have to get out of here." Stiff nods from the males were her answer.

"How though? Kakashi took away our chakra and weapons and we're in shinobi grade straight jackets" Sasuke pointed out.

The three struggled uselessly for an hour before a bear lumbered by. He sniffed the air, and hearts formed. Turning to the source of such a sexy scent the bear roared and began walking like a stud straight towards Sasuke.

 **'Hey there miss sexy; I'm the best grizzly out here, why not join me in my cave?'** The bear asked, not that any of the genin could understand and then gave the broody genin a slobbery kiss.

Naruto, motivated to not be noticed (and making his move while Sasuke was paralyzed) he discovered the secrets to the bonds. Like a good teammate, he freed Sakura and Sasuke.

And like a 'hip and cool' shinobi he took black mail pictures first.

 **Back to the present…**

Naruto smirked at the beautiful memory and applied the skills that no jonin instructor would teach their genin (well, most jonin didn't know how to escape this trap themselves). Within five minutes Naruto was free and tried to door.

And sweat dropped when he discovered it wasn't locked.

 _'Do people really underestimate me this much?'_ He pouted while ignoring the fact it was his stupidity that got him in the current mess to begin with. With the infiltration skills Kakashi drilled into him Naruto began navigating the dank tunnels in hopes of getting back to the surface.

 _'Okay, escape psycho mummy man, find Kakashi- sensei, avoid the ANBU- temes who want to stick needles in me, and then kick psycho mummy's tail for making fun of Kakashi- sensei.'_ Naruto thought while running.

 **Entrance to ROOT…**

Iruka, a dozen ANBU, and Hiruzen who had joined 'for the field demonstration of Iruka's fascinating jutsu' stared at the corridors underneath an abandoned ramen shop. Flamingo activated his Byakugan on instinct and gasped.

"H- Hokage- sama, my Byakugan is blocked from seeing down here." The ANBU reported. Hiruzen went into Hokage mode in an instant, recognizing the structure as one of Danzo's old ROOT bases.

"ANBU! We are going down into a very foolish- yet powerful- man's base of operation. One I thought was at least under my control. Follow me and prepare to fight to protect Naruto- kun; Iruka stay…" A cloud of dust was left where Iruka stood only moments ago as the man charged with abandon into the underground tunnels. "Here." Hiruzen finished in annoyance. With a sigh he had ANBU follow them as he summoned a bo staff in preparation. Despite the fact Danzo deserved every last drop of Iruka's ire, Hiruzen sent a quick prayer for the old fool.

 **With Iruka, minutes later…**

Iruka ran like the Kunoichi of hell were on him, knowing Naruto was nearby judging by the way the tuning fork was vibrating. Turning a sharp corner he found his wayward student who looked rather lost.

"Naruto!" He exclaimed and engulfed the genin in a bone crushing hug.

"I- Iruka- sensei, what are you doing here? How'd you even find me?" Naruto asked through gasps of air. Iruka discretely hid his device into his flack jacket and began berating the boy.

"You idiot! What were you thinking, running from ANBU, hiding in a bunker?! And, not to mention, letting yourself get struck by lightning!" Naruto gulped.

"Well you see, sensei,"

"Nuh- uh, we're going to the hospital right now for a full check- up; Kakashi better have a good explanation for this." Iruka started dragging Naruto by the ear. All the ANBU were slack jawed and Deer whistled when the duo passed.

"NO! I REFUSE! First that mummy man Danzo tries to lock me up and now you want to take me to that horror house!" The blonde dug his heels in and glared at his teacher in defiance. He hated those check- ups; they gave him shots, made him feel like he was going to die, and he could never remember half of the visit. Due to this, Naruto Uzumaki was sure of one thing: hospitals were bad.

Iruka- and the ANBU- were about to force him when Hiruzen spoke.

"Naruto- kun" he said kindly. Naruto turned with tears in his eyes.

"Hokage- jiji".

"If you go willingly, I will give your team a C- rank… outside the village… and take you out for ramen." The last part caused internal turmoil but the aged leader figured Kakashi could foot the bill.

Suddenly it was Iruka being yanked towards the exit as the blonde suddenly knew _exactly_ how to get outside.

"Hokage- sama?" Flamingo asked his leader.

"I know, Flamingo; keep going forward. Naruto confirmed it, I have a former friend to flay."

 **Next day, gates of Konoha…**

"Yatta! Another mission!" Naruto cheered only to sober up slightly at Kakashi's reminder of 'hip and cool shinobi don't say yatta'.

"Ma, ma, calm down. Our mission is to deliver this" Kakashi holds up a scroll with an official Hokage seal, "To our spy master in the land of lightning. It's not time sensitive so we will be training on the way. Now, let's go before Iruka finds me- I mean notices Naruto left the hospital."

With happy smiles from all at the information of a mission and training, team seven set off, Kakashi resisting the urge to look behind him, knowing it would somehow summon that demon.

Oh, how Kakashi regretted underestimating his opponent for Naruto's 'favorite sensei'. No matter, Kakashi would return stronger and ready to smite the blight that was Iruka Umino. It was his new nindo. Amongst his thoughts was a dark chuckle at Danzo Shimura's current… predicament. Tenzo had promised to save him a private session with the basterd that attempted to steal his precious apprentice.

Some days, it was good to be a jonin.

 **End! I hope you enjoyed this, please let me know what you think. Next chapter will have some more fluff, serious moments, and hilarity. How did you like Kurama's part?**

 **P.S I wrote most of this at a graduation gig during our breaks so yay me! See, I care about all of y'all.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

 **AN: Welcome back! Riku here, ready for another adventure in complete hilarity. I know it's been awhile so let's get on with the story.**

 **Note: Never will I ever own Naruto…unfortunately…**

 **Last time on KMM….**

 _"Yatta! Another mission!" Naruto cheered only to sober up slightly at Kakashi's reminder of 'hip and cool shinobi don't say yatta'._

 _"Ma, ma, calm down. Our mission is to deliver this" Kakashi holds up a scroll with an official Hokage seal, "To our spy master in the land of lightning. It's not time sensitive so we will be training on the way. Now, let's go before Iruka finds me- I mean notices Naruto left the hospital."_

 _With happy smiles from all at the information of a mission and training, team seven set off, Kakashi resisting the urge to look behind him, knowing it would somehow summon that demon._

 _Oh, how Kakashi regretted underestimating his opponent for Naruto's 'favorite sensei'. No matter, Kakashi would return stronger and ready to smite the blight that was Iruka Umino. It was his new nindo. Amongst his thoughts was a dark chuckle at Danzo Shimura's current… predicament. Tenzo had promised to save him a private session with the basterd that attempted to steal his precious apprentice._

 _Some days, it was good to be a jonin._

 **On the way to the Land of Lightning…**

Naruto was currently glaring at the leaf between his fingers. Kakashi- sensei had handed him a pouch with almost three hundred leaves from the village with instructions to make it crumble with just chakra.

So far Naruto managed to make his fiftieth leaf crumble instead of cut on the edges if one squished their eyes closed while under a genjutsu. He thought it was an obvious improvement from two days ago when they started out.

While Naruto was glaring at his leaf, Sakura was balancing a kunai in her palm for more chakra control.

Kakashi would have let her just read a book the entire time but his cute little apprentice insisted on 'being fair.' Kakashi would have rolled his eyes at the thought seeing as advanced chakra control wasn't technically in the 'required curriculum' for genin and Naruto was getting it only because he was to be Kakashi's clone. However, the faster he trained the other two genin, the faster they'd become chunin. The faster they became chunin, the faster he'd have Naruto all to himself.

That twisted logic was what led to him having Sasuke read a book on basic escape maneuvers that could be used in the chunin exams and would look impressive to proctors- enough to make him pass, hopefully. His genin would all be chunin their first try, Kakashi vowed. The next two exams were in Iwa and Kumo, respectfully, and the jonin doubted he'd be allowed to send his sensei's son and Jinchuuriki to a foreign nation for exams. Rarely ever did a Jinchuuriki go to another nation for their exams, it was basically a sure fire way to make your allies (read: potential enemies to slaughter mercilessly) be suspicious and send assassins after your village's resident Jinchuuriki. No, they would pass this exam- even Sakura- and Kakashi could rest easy knowing he gave the two non- apprentices a solid start to being loyal shinobi and kunoichi.

Naruto looked at his slightly smug looking sensei in concern.

' _Why does he keep looking at all of us like trophies?'_ The blonde thought. However, his concern was forgotten when his leaf crumbled up into a tight ball.

"Sensei! Look, look! I did it, I did it! Yatta, I'm the BEST!" Naruto cheered. Kakashi sent a long suffering sigh at how uncool it was but gave his student an eye smile nonetheless.

"Maa, good work, Naruto. Now, just do that over and over."

"Ne, until when?" The boy questioned. Kakashi's eye smile grew a little cruel.

"Until your fingers bleed. Remember, the bloodiest shinobi is the strongest shinobi!" Kakashi quipped. Sakura gulped with Naruto.

"Hn. The Uchiha clan doesn't do bloody." Sasuke scoffed, remembering how his father would always lecture on staying clean while slaughtering the masses (enemy masses, of course). It was tradition, even Itachi was hardly bloody after killing everyone, an impressive feat Sasuke had to admit.

"Neither does the Haruno clan." Sakura added.

"Um, Sakura- chan… there is no Haruno clan" Naruto pointed out, remembering his text book on the known clans.

"…There is now, Naruto- baka." Sakura replied dangerously. Naruto wisely shut up and reached for another leaf. However, the group was walking by a shrine for the local fox deity. Naruto, being Naruto, set off a series of events by one stupid decision.

"There you go!" He cheered after setting a ramen cup in the offering box and wiping off the lid. The blonde figured Kurama would appreciate him feeding the fox spirits.

As Kakashi rolled his and the group continued their journey, none noticed the pair of fox eyes that peered from the bushes at the boy who smelled of foxes.

 **The next morning…**

Kakashi knew sleeping in the wild so close to the border with Lightning was a terrible idea, so he did the only thing an awesome sensei such as himself could do: he footed the bill for a hotel room…well two rooms, no way was he sharing a sleeping space with three genin, sensei's son or not. So, with an eye smile and threats to behave, Kakashi went to his private room and relaxed for the evening, completely expecting the morning to be uneventful.

Oh, how wrong he was. When his team met on the road to continue their journey, his precious little apprentice had betrayed him. For a _FOX!_

There, sitting smugly on his sensei's son's shoulders was a black fox with red eyes. Idly Kakashi noticed Sasuke was nursing his hand and inching away from the creature.

"Kakashi- sensei! Look, I got a summons!" Naruto bragged, twisting the knife of treachery deeper into Kakashi's heart.

"NOOO!" Kakashi shouted to the heavens. "WHY DOES HE NEVER GET THE DOG CONTRACT?!"

Three confused genin and an annoyed fox looked at him and Kakashi cleared his throat.

"Hmm, Naruto. Let's have a little chat. Just the two of us, okay?"

Once they were alone in a nearby forest, Kakashi gave his apprentice to be a hard look.

"The fox. Explain. Now."

"Ehehe" Naruto scratched his mask nervously. "See, it started like this…"

 **Previous night, with Naruto…**

After his teammates fell asleep, Sakura trying to snuggle with Sasuke, Naruto left the stuffy hotel room for the cool night air. The moon was full and the lush forest around him felt like home.

"Pssh, kid." A voice called from a bush. Naruto jumped up, scared out of his wits. "HAH! What a scardy kit, who would have guessed you'd be Kurama- sama's vessel."

"You know about Kurama?" Naruto blurted out to the disembodied voice before realizing his mistake. "I- I mean, mah, who cares about Kurama, why are you here?" He finished lamely. Apparently his Kakashi channeling powers were ineffective at night. The voice seemed to sweat drop.

"Yeah sure, kid. Anyways, I watched you put that divine food into our collection box today."

"Yeah, ramen is divine" Naruto drooled. "Wait, you saw that?!"

"Of course!" The voice boasted.

"Well fine, now who are you? I'm Naruto Uzumaki." The voice scoffed and started circling him.

"Who me? I am the darkness of the clan, the best at all things AWESOME! I'm the one humans fear and foxes envy! I'm the president of the 'Kurama Fan Club' and most amazing tracker ever! Who am I? Kuro- sama the Cool!"

Out jumped a cat sized fox who carried a smirk. Naruto blinked, taking in the black fur, white paws, and red eyes.

Before falling on the ground laughing. Kuro seemed to take offense to that and bit his ear.

"Oi! Shut up, I'll have you know I'm the son of the chief."

"Sorry, sorry. Just…why are you here?"

"Heh, glad you asked! I have a proposition for you…" Kuro began.

 **Back to the present…**

"And then he let me sign the fox contract! I'm like the third summoner EVER, is that cool? Even if their initiation test was really difficult." Naruto finished. Kakashi face palmed at this ludicrous explanation, finding the irony that the fox clan was as obsessed with ramen as his student not amusing since the boy signed the contract. It wasn't fair, he reasoned. His apprentice should summon dogs, not foxes.

Wait, a shinobi could have _two_ contracts. And if Naruto ended up favoring the clearly superior Dog Contract? Well, all the better.

"Naruto, could you go grab that stick on the other side of the clearing for me?"

"Maa, sure sensei!" Naruto chirped in as cool of a voice as he could, walking somewhat lazily away.

Kakashi was so proud.

"Ne, Kuro" He drawled when they were alone (swiping the fox off his student was child's play).

"That's Kuro- _sama_ to you commoner."

"…I could kill you before you could blink."

"Kuro is fine!"

"Glad we agree. Now, Kuro, please leave. I know you are feeding off of Naruto's chakra. Now be a good summons and poof away." Kakashi said with a vindictive (if hidden) smirk. Kuro sputtered but a flare of Kakashi's chakra made the creature whimper and disappear with a huff and promises of revenge.

"Hey, where'd Kuro go?" Naruto asked when he returned with a random stick. Kakashi chuckled.

"Oh, the… precious creature… had things to do!" The one eyed jonin lied. Naruto tilted his head suspiciously before shrugging.

"Alright, ready to go?" He asked. With a gleam in his eye, Kakashi pulled out a scroll he had been planning to save for the chunin exams.

"Wait, Naruto; I have a little gift for you."

"Huh?" Was his intelligent reply.

 **On the road once more…**

And that's how Kakashi successfully completed another checked box on his Mini me plan. Naruto was now the proud owner of the Dog Contract and had Pakkun's youngest on his head.

Unlike most clans, the Dog Contract was not connected to every summon in their species, but rather smaller packs, each holding thirty to forty canines at any one time. Kakashi- and now Naruto- was affiliated with Pakkun's pack and would have access to any of the adults in the pack, even if Kakashi himself only summoned the same elite few. Naruto was being primed for the next generation.

If the pup would stop letting the puppy chew on the white strands in his hair like a pansy that is.

 _'Oh well, he can learn to be the boss of them after the mission I suppose'_ Kakashi lamented.

Sasuke looked absolutely livid at the idea that the former 'dobe' had two summoning contracts, but Kakashi quickly corrected that by dangling a fire dragon jutsu scroll in front of the avenger. It would take the boy weeks to learn and thus out of Kakashi's hair, as it should be. Sakura looked miffed at not getting something so Kakashi just had to part ways with an easy genjutsu scroll. It would be enough to get them through the exams, hopefully.

Oh the things he did for the ungrateful brats.

"Hey! We're here!" Naruto shouted, pointing at the hot spring they were supposed to be meeting the spy master at. The blonde was excited and didn't even notice when the puppy puked in his hair from motion sickness.

"Tsk, no need to shout. Now let's get this over with." Sasuke ordered.

"Maa, why don't you three go eat lunch in town, ne? I'll go to the meeting and we can leave within an hour."

"You don't want us there, sensei?" Naruto asked, down trodden. Sakura shared his expression and Kakashi began to sweat.

"No, but it's boring. Now shoo." He replied. How could he tell them that Jiraiya was the spy master and no doubt would want to meet Naruto? No way in hell, not if Kakashi had something to say about it. The literary genius would probably try to pass on the Toad Contract and make the boy his apprentice. Jiraiya wrote genius literature, and Kakashi would hate to have to kill the man.

Nobody messed with his apprentice. Nobody!

"Oh… alright. Let's go guys" Sakura relented and led her teammates away, Naruto suggesting ramen.

 **Meanwhile, in the seal…**

Kurama banged his head against his cage's wall in outrage. How dare that disgusting group of half wits trick his moronic container into signing the contract!

' **I should have killed them when I had the chance!'** The Kyubi chastised himself, hating that he showed mercy all those centuries ago.

Less than a hundred years after Kurama was unsealed from his father, a group of fox kits stumbled into his napping place. Normally Kurama would have eaten them, but the kits called him 'Kurama- sama' and worshiped him. It was nice after being alone and grieving, so in his infinite wisdom he taught them about chakra and how to speak human.

Then they never wanted to leave. The first batch of the foxes were cute. The twentieth? Not so much. But, Kurama couldn't just kill them, it was too evil. So, he snuck out like a coward one night and ran to the other side of the continent.

Since then, they've spread like viruses. No matter how many he killed or threatened, they just kept popping up everywhere! When Mito sealed him, he thought he was free as her status was secret. It was the only good thing about being sealed like his pathetic siblings.

Until now. Now, his idiotic container became their summoner and friends with his fan club's PRESIDENT! It was an outcry.

 **'Time to try to talk Naruto into slaughtering them. Yeah, maybe killing them at their source would work.'**

Contented, Kurama curled up for another nap.

 **Back outside, with Kakashi…**

After his genin left, the jonin strolled into the hot spring's bar and ordered the 'Gama special' as was the code. The bar tender gave a subtle nod and soon Jiraiya was sitting next to him. Strangely enough all the patrons left.

"Jiraiya- sama" Kakashi lifted his glass. Jiraiya grinned, his wort seeming to be bigger than Kakashi remembered.

"Oi, brat! Sensei didn't tell me your team would be the messenger. Where's the kids, I've been meaning to meet my godson!" The sannin inquired. Kakashi lazily slid the scroll he'd been protecting over.

"They're…occupied and we're on a schedule."

"Nonsense! I'll even pay for your team to sleep at the hot spring for the night. Heh, perhaps he could start summoning, or the Rasangan."

"Absolutely not! He's my apprentice and as such I'll be teaching him the Rasangan." Kakashi bit back, affronted.

"Now you listen here brat, there's an organization called" Jiraiya started before he was cut off.

"KAKASHI- SENSEI! HELLLP" Team Seven shouted as one as they bolted into the restaurant as one. "A SHARK GUY TRIED TO EAT US". All three sported minor wounds, Naruto having yellow colored hands.

Kakashi was alert and was about to order them to calm down and tell him exactly what happened.

But then Kisame Hoshigaki, notorious S- ranked criminal, appeared in the doorway with different colored paints on his strange cult like robe. The red clouds were a nice touch though, Kakashi admitted.

"Nobody pranks Kisame and lives! NOBODY! Now come here and die like MEN!"

 _'Of course Naruto would prank an S- class nin; of course.'_

 **END! Soo, how was it? How will they survive Kisame, and where's Itachi? Tune in next time!  
1\. I need a name for Pakkun's pup and any other dog breeds y'all might want Naruto to have. He'll still summon Pakkun but he needs his own pack of Mini me dogs.**

 **2\. Go read 'The Somewhat Cracked mind of Itachi Uchiha' to laugh hard enough to cry. I love that story and think y'all will too!**

 **3\. Finally, I started a new story 'From the Afterlife to the Past life' and am about to work on the second chapter. I hope y'all check it out!**

 **Have an absolutely AMAZING week!  
-Riku.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

 **AN: Heyo everyone, your girl Riku is back! I'm here to bring you giggles and chiggles, belly aches and… head aches? I don't know, just read!**

 **Shout out to 'Emrys Akayuki' for her contribution for Pakkun Jr's name!**

 **PS… Go read 'Hell Cat' by 'TheDeadGirlRisen'. It has Tora using Biju chakra…and getting Naruto to call it master…and meeting the Kyubi at five. It's freaking hilarious and I love it.**

 **Minutes before Kisame barges in the bar…**

Naruto dragged his disgruntled teammates through the town, following the faint scent of ramen in the air.

"Naruto, stop! You're making Pakkumi sick." Sakura chided, and sure enough the tiny pug was green once more and threatened to hurl. Naruto skidded to a stop and held up the girl puppy.

"Maa, sorry Pakkumi- chan. Let's be hip and cool as we search for the heavenly food." Pakkumi pants and wags her little tail, drawing coos from Sakura and an eye smile from Sakura. Sasuke rolls his eyes.

"Let's just get food and leave." With that Naruto slouches and continues walking, channeling his 'Kakashi powers' to the max.

"Hmm, you say something?" He asks while flipping out his book. Sasuke grows a tick.

"Don't change personalities! I know you heard me dobe!"

"Tsk, tsk, Sasuke- chan, don't insult your elders."

"I'm over six months older than you" Sasuke dead panned.

"Details, details." Naruto waved his hand flippantly. Following his nose, the trio plus ninkin arrived to one of the top ramen stands in the world, ranked fifth in overall ranking.

Naruto was not ashamed to admit he'd been hoping for a mission in the area just to taste such divine flavors. Only to stop at the horrid sight in front him.

The stand, that was supposed to be full of over five hundred flavors, was closed.

 **SOLD OUT: COME BACK TOMORROW.**

 _'S- s- sold out?! HOW IS THE HEAVENLY DISH ALL GONE?!'_ Naruto screamed mentally. A lone worker was sweeping the porch area and looked up with a gulp when a large wave of killing intent was aimed directly at him.

"S- Sir?" The poor worker, a man no older than eighteen who stayed a civilian for safety, asked. "I apologize if this is an inconvenience; a rather large man who looked like a shark came in and ate every last bowl! And the tip was most generous. Do not worry, though, if you like I could reserve you a bowl tomorrow?"

Naruto felt his eyes flash red and Pakkumi started growling at the man. Sakura backed away as the oppressive aura filled the air, though Sasuke was too busy looking ahead.

"Hn. Dobe, isn't that the man?" He said with a smirk, figuring he could use some entertainment. The last time someone ate Ichiraku out of stock before Naruto got there… they were still in the psych ward despite the fact the boy was only six at the time.

 _'This should be amusing.'_

Naruto whipped his head up at the man who dared to get between him and one of his dreams. Stalking over to the man with intent, he shoved his finger in his face.

"Yo! Are you the basterd who took my Ramen- sama? Well, are you?" Naruto accused.

Kisame blinked in surprise at the shrimp in front of him that clearly needed to learn face masks were _so_ last war. Normally, Kisame would kill the brat for such insolence, but doing so on a mission and in a public spot would bring trouble, especially as the brat was a Konoha shinobi. So, Kisame channeled all his powers of patience learned from babysitting missions (well, the ones he didn't 'accidentally' drop the tikes off the side of a cliff, that is) and just scoffed.

"Yeah, so? The place was cheaper than most others here. Even if it was subpar to sushi."

"…" Naruto looked like he had the blood sucked out of him and Kisame used that time to smirk and walk away. Truthfully the ramen was delicious but messing with the brat- obviously a genin- was what made getting up in the morning worth it.

Naruto wasn't one to let such…such… such evil get away though! In a flurry of motion he pulled out a scroll and unsealed his entire paint balloon collection.

All one hundred of them.

Next, Naruto forced some in his teammates' hands, who reluctantly agreed simply because it was easier to join Naruto that resist. In a silent count down, Team Seven flung the balloons infused with chakra and paint at the unsuspecting Kisame that was just too tired and full of his feast to pay attention to what genin were doing.

Suddenly, Kisame's back side was full of yellow, pink, and brown paint. He whipped around with his sword drawn, only to get hit again in the front by over fifty rapid fire balloons.

"HAH! Looser, that will show you not to insult Ramen- sama!" Naruto crowed. Kisame lost his cool at the blonde and white boy and his lackies in front of him.

"YOU BRATS! Prepare to die!" Kisame shouted and flung a water dragon at the genin. Unfortunately, the heathens dodged and ran the opposite way. With a battle cry, Kisame chased them, intent on destroying such vile creatures.

 **Back to where we left our hero…**

Kakashi was instantly in battle mode and pushed his genin behind him protectively. Naruto, now sure he was invincible with his sensei around, gave Kisame the finger.

"Nah, nah, maybe if you weren't such a pansy who hated Ramen- sama, I wouldn't have had to throw paint at you!" Naruto mocked. Kakashi felt his eye twitch at his apprentice; did he _want_ them to die?

Judging from the boy's taunting, Kakashi was convinced that was exactly what Naruto wanted.

"Kisame Hoshigaki… the Bijuu without a tail." Kakashi states lazily, hand already on his headband and ready to be lifted. Jiraiya smirked.

"Oi, you're one of the Akatsuki, right?" Kisame stiffened then grinned back.

"And what if I am? You're one of the Sanin… I'll enjoy feeding your chakra to my sword, Samehada."

Silence followed for three seconds. The air became thick as three S class shinobi flared their chakra. Suddenly, the genin were safely in the mouth of a toad as Jiraiya met Kisame's sword with his wrist plate.

"Grr. You're pretty quick for an old man." Kisame growled as Jiraiya felt his chakra get sucked out. Kisame jumped back and through the wall as Kakashi pushed a Raikiri towards his side. The tree landed outside and met Kakashi's next attack with a bored yawn. "You don't know how lucky you are. If I wanted to, you two would have been dead before you could form a hand sign." Jiraiya summoned a toad and engaged the nuke nin in taijutsu.

"Hmm, you say something?" Kakashi asked despite his apprehension. They had to be careful, as fighting in a foreign country in the middle of the street… was potentially dicey political wise. Kisame grew a tick mark and kicked the jonin away.

"Tell me where that blondie is so I can kill him, and I MIGHT let you live!" The shark man demanded.

"Nope."

"Where is he?!"

"Somewhere safe."

 **With Naruto…**

When yanked inside a toad that dispels, one does not think to end up in a cushy hotel room.

"Um… where are we?" Sakura asked after the three blinked away their surprise of being eaten.

"Hmm…" Naruto rubbed his chin and gave an eye smile. His teammates leaned in. "I… have no idea!"

Cue Sakura pummeling him. "Naruto, you baka! Stop goofing around, cha!"

"R- right, Sakura- chan." An explosion sounded outside and the three had to steady themselves with chakra. Pakkumi was shaking. "Ne, Pakkumi- chan, go back, alright?" Naruto petted the pup on his head who gladly dispelled.

"Hn. Kakashi is fighting that way, let's go."  
"Are you insane Sasuke? That guy looked really strong! And he was able to use a water dragon without water nearby."

"I need strong opponents, to beat him…" Sasuke clenched his fists. Naruto looked worried but gulped.

"Sasuke's right… we can't leave sensei and that weird white haired guy who summoned the toad to fight fish face alone. Come on, we can take him."

"With what? We barely know jutsu." Sakura pointed out. In response the blonde had a wicked gleam in his eye.

"Now, now, my dear Sakura. That won't be a problem."

 **Back with Kakashi, Jiraiya, and Kisame…**

Kisame was having a blast, sending out random jutsu and tearing into the two S- classers who dare keep him from his revenge. His only regret was that Itachi was too busy to be there with him. The man had suddenly run out of pocky when they arrived in the town.

 **With Itachi…**

Said man was calmly eating his large horde of pocky at a safe distance outside town. When he and Kisame had arrived, his 'Orange menace' senses went haywire. So, like the fantastic shinobi Itachi was, he ran away in a dignified manner.

"Hn. I wonder what my foolish little brother is doing? I hear he got teamed up…with the Orange menace… shoot! Don't worry Sasuke, I'm coming!" And thus the teen raced back to town, deciding that no matter how much he wanted to run away from Naruto on a prank war (that would hopefully result in either his or Kisame's death), his brother could not get caught in the crossfires.

 **Back to the fight…**

"HAH! The weak are meat, the strong eat!" Kisame taunted. Kakashi had a deep gash on his arm and minor chakra exhaustion. Jiraiya wouldn't let them retreat as the idiot wanted to question the man about the Akatsuki.

Oh how Kakashi was tempted to abandon his morals and run towards his students.

The trio stood at a standstill on top of a now abandoned house, when Kisame was engulfed in orange smoke. Kakashi was glad his mask hid his smirk as the shark nin coughed. The problem with shinobi honing their danger senses was that Naruto's pranks didn't seem harmful. In fact Naruto could rig up a poison filled trap that would make you sterile while whistling a tune. So when Naruto activated a very complex trap in the middle of battle?

Kisame never saw it coming. The shark nin set his sword on the ground like he always did and tried to wipe the vile substance off his face while trying to use chakra to move through a sticky substance that adhered his feet to the roof.

"Yatta! What a cool sword. Can I have it? Thanks!" Naruto grinned as he popped up next to Kisame and darted away with the sword. Kisame mentally smirked as he was finally free and mostly clean, knowing that his awesome partner of a sword would destroy the gaki who dare touch Samehada.

Only to gape when the sword purred at the blonde and white.

"Oi! Give me back my sword!" Kisame jumped towards the blonde even as the sanin and Kakashi tried to get there first. A fire ball from Sasuke blocked his path momentarily and when it cleared, Itachi was in front of his target, a knocked out Sasuke and Sakura by his feet. They were not needed in this conversation.

"Kisame, what are you doing attacking the Jinchuuriki before its time?" Itachi asked in a slightly annoyed tone. Kisame gulped when his partner flashed his Sharingan.

"That brat pranked me and stole my sword! He's gotta die." The Shark nin defended. Itachi suppressed a sigh at how complicated Naruto made things.

"Naruto." Itachi sighed and turned to Naruto. Said boy tilted his head. "Give Kisame, my partner and _very strong shinobi_ , back his sword and apologize."

"B- but it's mine! I stole it and it's mine, that's the rules!" Naruto cried. With an eye twitch Itachi threw the boy an Ichiraku coupon, left over from the days Naruto would try to prank him in the ANBU (failed, of course) and Itachi wanted him out of his hair.

"Give Kisame the sword and this coupon for five bowls is yours." Instantly the sword was back in the slack jawed Kisame's hands and Itachi was relieved of the coupon. "Let's go, Kisame; I tire of these weaklings."

"Wait! You're not going anywhere." Kakashi suddenly spoke after getting over his stupor. The copy nin always took it as his duty to stop his ex underling. Jiraiya sent a toad tounge to entrap him, laced with sedatives.

Unfortunately for him, Itachi burned the tounge before it reached him as he and Kisame disappeared in a murder of crows.

"Uhh, am I in trouble?" Naruto asked as he looked around at the wrecked town below.

"No, Naruto, you're not. Grab Sakura and let's go. We need to get over the border before Kumo sends an investigation team." Kakashi sighed as he picked up the Uchiha. Jiraiya was ready to speak but Kakashi silenced him with a glare that reeked of 'don't waste our time, we have to high tail it out of here'. J

iraiya then gave a goofy grin and proceeded to still talk.

"I need to talk to sensei anyways; I'll go with you back to Konoha."

"Hmm who are you?" Naruto squinted his eyes suspiciously.

"Who am I?! Well, let me tell you! I'm"

"Yo! I felt crazy chakra that went kaboom! And now I'm here as your doom. Fool, ya fool!" Cut the sannin off before he could begin. Landing nearby was someone nobody wished to meet in battle.

Kirabi 'Killer B' of Kumo, the Hachibi Jinchuuriki.

"This day just got worse, hasn't it?" A suddenly conscious Sasuke groaned.

Kakashi was inclined to agree.

 **Finally, on the road with Itachi and Kisame…**

"We could have taken the brat there! Think about it Itachi, I could have diced his legs off as punishment and then we would be done with our assignment." Kisame complained. He refused to look at his sword, who seemed to think the gaki should become his apprentice and future wielder.

Never mind the kid had to die for their goals. Even if his chakra and spunk made Kisame wish the kid wasn't a Jinchuuriki.

"Hn. No, we will capture the Kyubi Jinchuuriki when Leader- sama says its time; no sooner. It would not do to tip off Konoha" _More than I already have_ "Before we are ready. Now come, there is a job for us. You'll like it, it has lots of fighting." Itachi dangled the temptation and his partner took it.

"Heh, then what are we waiting for?! Those Konoha shinobi were weak, I need a real fight."

With that, two criminals walked into the sunset, ignoring the spike of Bijuu chakra in the town and various explosions. It was just another Tuesday in their profession.

 **End! Next chapter: end of the mission and back in Konoha! Or will they even get back with Killer B in the mix? A couple of things:**

 **Big thanks to my beta 'Dragon' for the great ideas, and my bff Silver Wolf310. Also, 'TheDeadGirlRisen' has become a good friend and she has helped with some of the ideas for this chapter!**

 **I really like the ideas for Naruto's dogs. One more chapter to give suggestions before it's set!**

 **Pranks… honestly, there is so much potential in Naruto's pranks. He's trying to be like Kakashi, but when a simple prank and help stop an S- class shinobi, why not use it?**

 **Finally, the Samehada part… Deadgirlrisen had that idea and I love it. I'm going to have that little plot point come up one last time and it was a joy to think that actually happening…especially since yet another person might want to take his Mini- me away.**

 **Anyways, have a FANTASTIC week. Don't forget to check out 'Hell cat' and 'Akuma- sensei' by Deadgirlrisen' for laughs.**

 **-Riku**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 1**

 **AN: Heyo my peeps, Riku is back! I've been writing a story for 'My Hero Academia' on AO3 lately, called 'Kitten Quirk Freeloading', which is why I haven't update much. Anyways, here is another fun chapter for KMM.**

 **With Naruto, moments after Killer B showed up…**

Naruto had the distinct feeling that he should run, especially since he could hear Kurama screaming for him to do just that.

If a giant, egoistical fox demanded him turn tail and run, who was Naruto to argue?

"Kakashi-sensei?" He muttered. Kakashi glanced at his apprentice to be and gave a reassuring eye smile so false even Naruto noticed.

"Yo! Don't ignore the Killer B, or I'll turn you into diced meat. Fool, ya fool!"

"Maa, sorry. We're just passing through, nothing to be worried about." Kakashi tried to tell the infamous 'Guardian of Kumo'. The man, while appearing goofy, was not stupid.

"Sure. Then why is Mister nine looking mighty fine, wrecking havoc and causing a racket?" B countered. At this point Jiraiya butted in.

"The Akatsuki started it!" The Sannin pointed out.

"This Akatsuki… who are they? We haven't been able to gather who they are besides the cloaks."

"Let us go if we tell you?" Jiraiya bargained.

"Maybe. Tell me your information before I go all Commander Bad ass-mation!" B reasoned.

"Deal!" Was Jiraiya's chipper reply.

Kakashi resisted a face palm as the next fifteen minutes destroyed any hint of respect in Jiraiya beyond his books.

"So, we told you everything about this Akatsuki." Kakashi ventured once the explanation was over and B was unusually silent.

"Hmm… I'll let you fools go, ya fools! But!" Kakashi cringed mentally at that last part. "As number eight, I have an obligation you see." B said, no hint of a rhyme in his stony features.

"An… obligation?" Jiraiya questioned.

"Yes. Mister nine is young but looks strong. I want a Jinchuuriki battle! Jinchuuriki verses Jinchuuriki! Finally, the eight will overtake the nine in time." Lightning seemed to go off in the background (something the copy nin took a minute to admire) and Kakashi was about to protest and make a break for it with his still unconscious students and giddy looking apprentice to be.

"Sure! I'll beat you. To first blood?" He asked mischievously. Both Kakashi and Jiraiya blanched.

"Naruto! You're no match for him. You can't even summon its chakra; how do you expect to fight an experienced Jinchuuriki?!"

"Maa, you say something, sensei?" Naruto snarked back and Kakashi was white as a sheet.

His precious student… was literally asking to die. Kakashi wanted to say something more but B started rapping again.

"One to one we will fight! Count to three and I'll be right!"

"I have no idea what that means but sure." Naruto said with great cheer.

"One!" The two said in unison. Jiraiya had a toad summoned that took Sakura and Sasuke away, still unconscious.

"Two!" Both Jiraiya and Kakashi had jutsu formed.

"Three/ Harem Icha Icha Yuri Jutsu!" Was the twin calls. Kakashi saw a heavenly sight before blood loss claimed him. Idly, he noticed Jiraiya and Killer B going down with him like true men.

Naruto looked down at his 'opponent' in slight disappointment. Sure, his new variation of the Harem Jutsu was amazing, but to see three very strong shinobi go down was… disappointing to say the least. With a sigh, Naruto summoned a bunch of clones to help carry his sensei and weird old man to safety, sparing a glance at the other 'Jinchuuriki' and giving the unconscious man a fist bump at Kurama's request.

 **Meanwhile, in the seal…**

Kurama was on the ground of his cage, laughing harder than the time Shukaku was talked into wearing a dress by a human orphan the crazy Tanuki decided to raise. Apparently Shukaku would only let the brat call him 'mother' as there could only be one 'father'. Thus, the little girl made him a dress, much to the other Bijus' amusement.

Come to think of it, Kurama thinks that was the moment Shukaku finally snapped.

Putting those thoughts aside, Kurama popped into the linked mindscape he had Naruto create with the fist bump (not that the blonde had any idea it now existed) just long enough to mock his less powerful brother about his failure of a Jinchuuriki.

 **'Maybe having this one for a host isn't so bad… nah. He associates with those foxes, he has to die. Grr, curse you Minato and your seal.'** Kurama mused before finally settling down for another nap. Imaginary Madaras don't impale themselves, after all.

 **Back outside the seal, one hour later…**

The masked blonde stared at his still slightly sensei, completely ignoring the white haired old man who asked him to use the jutsu again.

"Neh, Kakashi- sensei?" Naruto asked after his teacher was silent following the explanation and gave his sensei a drink of water.

"…Yes, Naruto? Any other laws of nature you wish to break?" Kakashi growled. It's not that he wasn't proud of his student for beating his opponent through underhanded tactics; he was, as it was so shinobi like it hurt Kakashi inside by its genius.

It's the fact that it took him out as well. If anyone _ever_ found out about Kakashi's defeat using a henge that wasn't even directed at him, he'd be doomed.

So, how to handle this? Normally, when one did something that could potentially ruin Kakashi's hip and cool pervert vibe, a Chidori to the chest was a brilliant method to deal with the problem.

But doing that to his future apprentice and village Jinchuuriki (not to mention his sensei's kid) was…un ethical. Ethics meant nothing to a shinobi, but appearances were important and killing his student was a no go.

But the boy still blabbed. A lot. He'd no doubt try to tell his teammates or worse the Hokage and Kakashi's reputation would be shot.

"So, sensei, what you going to give me not to tell anyone that you fell to my best jutsu?" Naruto asked with a shit eating grin. That made Kakashi pale. The brat knew his sensei's predicament and was using their tactics lessons to capitalize on it for his own betterment.

Kakashi Hatake was a proud father in that moment.

"…Don't tell anyone and I'll teach you"

"Nope!" Naruto cut him off. A shiver went down Kakashi's spine. "You see, there's a certain book series I've been reading. Sakura- chan mentioned there's a super expensive platinum edition of a certain 'Icha Icha Tactics' series. The same edition I saw at your apartment last week when we were learning more mask jutsu."

"NO!" Kakashi screamed. However, Naruto's hidden grin grew manic.

"Oh yes. I want them. All of them. Other wise I'm showing this picture to the entire village. Oh, and I have a spare copy hidden so no stealing!" A picture was flashed to the copy nin, of his knocked out form with four Yuri Naruko clones around him naked. The jonin had no idea when the boy took them but he was damn proud of his black mail material. Even if said blackmail material would have every Kunoichi after him.

Not to mention Iruka. Kakashi learned the hard way that anything involving Naruto made the man kage level and seeing Kakashi passed out with naked female versions of his student would no doubt make the chunin think he was a creep.

So, Kakashi did the only thing he could.

"Neh, Naruto… Jiraiya- sama here is the author of God's gift to men; give me all the copies of that picture, take a vow of silence, and I'll make him give you _two_ copies of the silver edition." Kakashi bargained.

"DEAL!" Was the exuberant agreement. While the boy celebrated, Kakashi held a conversation via hands with Jiraiya who had been silent in favor of observing his godson.

'Do it… and don't try to steal him.' Kakashi signed in warning.

'Why? Afraid he'll like me more?' Jiraiya bit back. The masked jonin pushed down that very fear.

'No. But he's not ready for you.'

'I'm his godfather!' Jiraiya's hands moved in a blur, flustered.

'Who he doesn't know. I'm his sensei.'

"Hey, whatcha doing?" Naruto butted in before Kakashi and Jiraiya could come to blows.

"Maa, nothing, nothing. Introduce yourself to Jiraiya- sama." Before Naruto could speak, Jiraiya launched into a boisterous rendition of his normal introduction. By the end of it, the blonde genin was less than impressed.

"…Pervy sage." Was his immediate response. Kakashi grinned and eye smiled at the slack jawed white haired literary genius.

"Naruto, no need to be so… technical. Well Jiraiya- sama, we must be going. Konoha needs us back and all, just send those books through the mail. Ja ne!" Kakashi used a shunshin to take them away before the apprentice stealing basterd got over his shock.

 **In Fire Country…**

Later, Naruto looked at his sensei in confusion while they hopped swiftly through the trees.

"Kakashi- sensei?" He asked. Kakashi didn't glance up from his orange book.

"Hmm, you say something?"

"Why do I feel like we forgot something?" That stopped the copy nin.

"Shit, Hokage- sama's going to kill me."

"Why?"

"… We left Sasuke and Sakura."

"We're screwed." Naruto said eloquently. His sensei's white complexion was the only verification he needed.

 **One week later, Konoha…**

After turning around and running into an _extremely_ irate Sakura and Sasuke escorted by a terrified Jiraiya (the man flinched every time Sakura smiled, worrying Kakashi to no end) team seven plus pervert made it back to the village in one piece. It was a time of great tribulations, where every moment Kakashi had to defend his Mini me project. No way was he letting Naruto become anything less than a hip and cool shinobi. If he had to see Jiraiya attempt to coax Naruto into signing the Toad contract one more time, the copy nin would destroy the scroll.

Now Kakashi was free… well as free as one could be when under the Hokage's gleeful gaze when Naruto reported in their private report (read: no ANBU or the other genin) about his new jutsu. To Kakashi's astonishment, his leader gave the boy a ramen coupon, had him add it to the forbidden scroll, and sent him on his way with the promise not to tell anyone else. After that, Jiraiya finished his report and left abruptly for research. At that point it was just the Hokage and Kakashi, who would never admit the man made him want to pee his pants.

"Now that we have that whole mess cleaned up, mind telling me why you tried to bribe my surrogate grandson to lie in his mission report?" The amused yet steely gaze somehow was more terrifying than the Kyubi.

"Uh…."

"As I thought. Now, a suitable punishment, besides the one of being added to the long list of Naruto's victims."

Kakashi felt, in that moment, that maybe a nuke nin life would be worth it. After all, what his leader said he would be doing for the next week was a fate worse than death.

That's when it hit him.

Naruto planned it all. He was sure of it. The boy got his payment already for the pictures and then sold him out to the Hokage for ramen. If Kakashi wasn't the victim, he would be so proud.

 **With Naruto at the ramen stand…**

Meanwhile, Naruto Uzumaki had the distinct feeling that he was being praised for something he didn't do.

And his 'I forgot something important' senses were tingling. It took another five bowls of ramen before he finally remembered.

"Huh, I wasn't supposed to mention my new jutsu in the report, was I? Oh well, Hokage- jiji won't punish Kakashi- sensei, he's too nice." With that, the clueless genin resumed his gorge.

 **End! Next chapter: Kakashi's punishment, Danzo's rehabilitation, and enter: Gaara! Chunin exams are about to begin so get pumped for that! Couple of things:**

 **I wrote most of this on a plane with a toddler singing the ABC's behind me non stop… so it's crazy. The other third I wrote at my friend's house after said long plane ride and day full of fun. So I'm sure this isn't the best chapter. I apologize, but I like how it turned out mostly.**

 **There was going to be a rap battle… But neither me or my beta can rap well enough so this is what you got. Harem Icha Icha Yuri version. May God help Naruto's victims.**

 **Jiraiya… the poor man will get to teach Naruto something! In fact, he already has secretly over the week, not that Kakashi knows yet (evil laugh).**

 **The rest of the dogs are coming in, along with the foxes! They're helping Naruto with the exams. So look forward to that.**

 **Finally, have a fantastic week, but I need sleep! I'll try to write ATA when I fly home in two days, but no promises. As always, reviews are appreciated.**

 **-Riku**


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12- Slight Academy Interlude!

AN: Update time for this story! Now, make sure to read the AN at the end for a suuuuper special announcement. Anyways, here we go!

Konoha Shinobi Academy…

Kakashi Hatake, killer of hundreds and dashingly handsome hero to his village, finally knew the true meaning of pain.

No, it wasn't seeing his father commit seppuku to redeem the Hatake honor. No, it wasn't seeing his teammates die one by one leaving his only friend a glorified stalker just wanting to beat him. And no, it wasn't even the various grave wounds he incurred across his illustrious career.

It was teaching flower arranging to aspiring kunoichi ages five to ten.

"Kakashi-sensei, do you like my arrangement? I made it for you!" Momo, an adorable child asked with a sweet smile. The jonin was about to return an eye smile as a thank you, and send her off to make more like the other brats.

Until he looked at the arrangement, and what the flowers meant. Anger. Resentment. Promises to hire someone 'take care of' the one gifted within seven days.

In other words a hit was put on him. But it's fine, right? Not like six year olds could do much damage. That's what he assured himself with even as his mind flashed to his own six year old self who completed fifteen assassinations. His most famous at the time was stabbing a Kumo jonin in the eye while the man slept, bypassing security.

Yeah… he's definitely upping his security seals… and surviving off prepackaged food.

Worst part? Little Momo-chan bounded off so happy, he couldn't bring himself to fault her. Perhaps she was being manipulated, Iruka certainly had enough motive to have him taken out.

"Sensei! How do I get the lightning to go all over again?!" A high pitched voice whined as chakra burst behind him. Ah yes, his adorable apprentice learning how to use child Kakashi's favorite jutsu: Electromagnetic Murder. A great way to stun- or kill- your opponent, but requires the ability to evenly disperse lightning chakra. Something his student was struggling with. It was day two of his hell, and five more days of watching these brats would kill him. He had barely a week before the exams, and somehow he was supposed to get Naruto ready for the test?!  
And his other students, but they were content with clones and Pakkun. He was about to answer when his shinobi senses kicked in and Kakashi jumped into the nearest tree, avoiding the onslaught of tiny hands holding a variety of arrangements. The monsters didn't know tree walking so he was safe. But them staring at his masked face made Kakashi shiver; why must every kunoichi be so terrifying?

"Sensei this is for you!"

"Mine's the best!"

"No mine is- back off bubble face."  
"BUBBLE FACE? Well at least my legs aren't thunder thighs!"

"Why you-"

It appeared the fourth war was about to start around his tree, and Kakashi had to stop it. Curse the Hokage and his devious mind for punishment.

"Maa, Naruto; take the brats- I mean students- to the south field for… uh… arranging a love bouquet!" Yes, they could go bother his apprentice to be and two other students, and let the jonin get quality reading time. Naruto looked up from his exercise confusedly.

"What?! But Hokage-jiji said you're supposed to teach them, not me!"

"Do it and we'll learn tracking techniques with Pakumi." And instantly twenty clones were made to cart off the she devils in training, despite their protests. "Ah, peace and quiet. Maybe I can survive like this for the next five days."

Oh, how his words came back to bite him.

South field, with Naruto…

When Naruto and clones dropped the children on the grass, protests started to rise. The blond looked everywhere for his teammates but they seemed to have disappeared, leaving him alone with children. And of course Sasuke had burned all the grass- not to mention flowers- in the field. Meaning the 'lesson' was pointless. If only he could just show the girls some jutsu or play ninja tag like with the Konohamaru corps.

Huh, maybe he could get these kids to call him 'boss' too?

"So flower arranging sounds stupid" He proclaimed boldly. Instantly protests arose.

"No YOU'RE STUPID!"

"Yeah, why does Konohamaru-kun think you're so 'amazing'? You can't even do that lightning jutsu and my mommy says that jutsu is easy!"

"Moegi-chan is stupid thinking you're so great."

"And where's the flowers!"

"HEY! SHUT UP!" Naruto shouted, losing his cool. Silence filled the air. "That's better. Instead of flower stuff, we're doing…" Here Naruto trailed off, noticing that none of them had their kunai pouches and the only jutsu they knew was the clone jutsu, something he wasn't going to help with. Naruto let his eyes wander, grinning when his eyes met the tree line. "Tree climbing!"  
"...But we know how to climb trees." A girl Naruto remembered as Momo hesitantly stated.

"But can you do THIS?" And up Naruto ran the nearest tree without hands. Ten pairs of eyes widened with stars as he jumped back down.

"Woah! We could reach Kakashi-sensei this way!" The only Akimichi girl shouted.

"Yeah! And then confess our love!" A civilian kunoichi cooed.

"No he's mine." The Yamanake retorted. A ten way glaring contest that was freaking Naruto out ensued before they turned on him.

"Teach usss". They monotoned.

"Uhhh…." Now the genin was regretting his decision.

"And then we lift our paws in the air and give blessings to our great Kurama-sama." Kuro chanted. The fox summon sat in the middle of a circle, the kunoichi around him.

"Oh Kurama-sama" They chanted back.

"Yes, don't be afraid to raise your voices!" Kuro encouraged.

"Oh Kurama-samaaaa."

The chants continued. Naruto sat on a nearby branch, attempting to read, but the chanting gave him the heebie jeebies. He could feel his Bijuu shooting out wishes for death upon the fox, but at the same time the blond couldn't help it: he found it adorable.

After watching every girl get to the top of the tree within an hour, Naruto learned one important fact: never underestimate a kunoichi with a crush. The whole time they were fantasizing about his sensei saying they were the 'best' and accepting their flowers. It reminded him of his dear Sakura-chan with Sasuke, only more innocent and no desires for marriage.

But soon they all had it down, making the Jinchuuriki equal parts nervous and jealous. They still had two hours before the class ended and Naruto wasn't about to test his sensei's patience by bringing the girls back.

So, he called for backup... But tiny girls with puppies resulted in the traitors abandoning him in the first five minutes. Thankfully, Kuro was more than happy to help.

If only the fox wasn't teaching them to worship his Bijuu- not that they know it. The summon creature kept what 'Kurama-sama' was a secret…

"Repeat after me! Kurama-sama, we thank you for your bountiful favor!"

"Kurama-sama, we thank you for your bountiful favor!" The girls shouted back.

"Oh Kurama-sama! Our lives are thanks to you."

"Oh Kurama-sama! Our lives are thanks to you."

"When our hearts feel your claws impaling us, when your teeth bite our heads off, we know it's because we have truly earned your blessings!" Now that was just disturbing in Naruto's mind, but the kids still went on.

"When our hearts feel your claws impaling us, when your teeth bite our heads off, we know it's because we have truly earned your blessings!"

All the genin could do was pray to… Kurama-sama, since he seems to be a god-like figure?... that none of the girls tell their parents about this.

Soon, it was time to go, and Naruto used his brain for the first time to ensure he wasn't subjected to interrogation for attempting a coup. Nothing was supposed to be above the Hokage, not even 'Kurama-sama' after all.

"Oi! The 'Kurama fan club' is super top secret; don't tell anyone or you'll" Panick filled him, but Kuro saved him.

"You'll lose Kurama-sama's favor. The ambassador to our idol has spoken, vows of silence must be taken!"

Thank all that is Icha Icha in this world that his summon seemed to think he was to be listened to and saved the day.

"Okay Naruto-sama!" They corussed.

"That's Boss to you!" He cackled and gave an eye smile.

Back with Kakashi…

Kakashi sighed contently. The sun was starting to set, his clones popped after his two non apprentice genin learned their assigned parts, and no academy brats had bothered him.

"Hey Sensei!" A chirp behind jolted the jonin from his lazy reading. Gulping, Kakashi turned his head to see Momo smiling at him...in the tree.

With all ten girls at various levels, some hanging upside down by chakra. Naruto was giving him a sheepish eye smile with a snickering Kuro-teme on his shoulder.

"NA. RU. TO." He growled. His soon to be dead future apprentice gulped.

"M-maa, you say something sensei?"

"Girls, you may leave. Me and my… adorable student need to have a talk about what is appropriate babysitting behavior." And instantly Kakashi had used shunshin on the pair, stopping when they reached Training Ground Seven.

Shrieks filled the evening air.

Meanwhile, on the road to Konoha…

A certain red headed psycho could be seen walking towards his target, bloodlust making his team queasy. All but the boy wished to turn back, but they couldn't: Suna had to pass the exams, to destroy the leaf once and for all.

"Mother… soon. Soon you will have blood." Gaara rasped.

And finally: with Danzo!

"Please don't make me do this again, Danzo-kun; you know how I hate punishing you." Iruka chided in the dark of T and I.

"You'll never make me talk, boy! You hear me Sarutobi, I will fix Konoha from the shadows, I did what I had to. The roots will cleanse the tree." A one armed Danzo was so done with this shit. Stuck in here for days, all because Hiruzen couldn't handle him doing the best thing for Konoha.

"Heh, guess I have no choice. You brought this on yourself, if you'd just tell us how to deactivate the curse seals we could talk. Help us help you."

"Never." Danzo sneered. He resisted an eye roll as the upstart Ibiki- Fu was clearly better at interrogation- came in once more.

He just had to bide his time until the ROOTs not captured freed him. Then, he could make Konoha in his image.

End! This is… an interlude chapter? Well it's what I had planned, if not a tad sillier than original outlines. But! I enjoyed writing it. I wasn't going to add the Gaara portion after I noticed I had a full chapter, but figured the teaser was needed. For real this time, Gaara will be interacting with Naruto next chapter… and we get to see the summon dogs take on the Konoha corps! A couple of things:  
1\. I have started writing for My Hero Academia this summer! If you're a fan of the series, feel free to check them out and let me know what you think. They were originally posted on A03 so you could find them there as well.

2\. We have… like 10 more chapters in this? About that much. So get ready for some faster paced hilarity as Kakashi keeps trying to balance being a loyal shinobi and protecting his investment...I mean apprentice.

3\. WE HAVE A DISCORD! YYYYYAAAAAAAY

/6PzuPbB

Click the link above to join and read the rules/roles. You'll get pings on updates, places to hang out, talk about fanfiction and stuff, and spoilers(?). Also, if you have trouble with it, lemme know through PMs and I'll help you out.

As always, thanks to my beta, Dragon. He's amazing and if you join the discord you'll see how awesome of a person he is.

-Riku.


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

 **AN: Welcome back! We have the next chapter in this wacky adventure. Prepare for Gaara shenanigans, Naruto trying to be both 'hip' and hyper, Kakashi being proud, and everyone else attempting to stay out of the madness.**

 **With Tenzo, days before Chunin Exams, Hokage's Office…**

Team Seven was not an ordinary squad, not by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, in Tenzo's _expert_ and _most humble_ opinion, Konoha's genin squad Seven was the oddest bunch of lunatics he had the displeasure of observing (read: sanctioned stalking).

First, there was their sensei, a man in his mid twenties who promoted porn to pre-teens while teaching them to kill in…unique ways. This is excluding his rather strange obsession with creating a miniature version of himself without waiting for a biological child to grow up (Kakashi Hatake was never patient enough for dating, never mind raising the perfect mini-me), causing him to break and mold a defenseless child into his image.

Naruto Uzumaki is this child, or rather demon trapped inside an innocent genin's body. No, Tenzo had zero delusions that the boy was the Kyubi just biding its time to unleash, he wasn't that stupid. But any child who willingly broke into ANBU headquarters at five and painted Tenzo's mask bright orange right before an important mission was not a human but instead a monster who takes pleasure in others' pain. Tenzo refused to admit he held a grudge, and instead would point out that Naruto's yearly doctor appointment fiasco and gaining an affinity from lighting supported his claims. Seeing the boy let a Kitsune summons of all creatures lead academy students in worshipping his Biju was just a bonus for his reports.

The other two members of Team Seven were less obvious in their insanity but would qualify for the same cell in a mental hospital as their sensei and youngest teammate. There was Sakura Haruno- a repressed kunoichi who fought an inner battle of being a prim and proper lady in order to marry above her station verses exploring her more…wild desires. Hence her voracious love of 'Icha Icha' and violent temper that topped most ANBU women when a fool stole their chocolate during _that_ week of the month.

Finally, there was Sasuke Uchiha, the only one Tenzo felt the least bit sorry for, not that it changed his assessment. The boy- oh excuse him, the _avenger_ \- studied too hard in the academy on subjects he had no business studying. He graduated, was (unfortunately) put in Kakashi's care, and proceeded to stand up for his beliefs of not reading smut. Tenzo had an inkling of respect for this…until the coward gave in after one measly day of Kakashi-senpai's torture. At that moment Tenzo lost the respect, as he himself survived _five years_ of it in ANBU with the man before he was dubbed a 'lost cause'. Surely the 'avenger' could have lasted even a day!

"So to conclude Hokage-sama, I formally request the entirety of Team Seven to be committed to the psych ward for thorough testing." Tenzo plopped down a complete five hundred page packet with his observations color coded by severity and any broken rules (and laws) were properly bolded with an accompanied picture or witness testimony. Tenzo was quite proud of his work, if only his squad would stop sending him odd looks at squad dinners!

"Denied" The Hokage replied in a bored tone and set all of Tenzo's hopes and dreams on fire.

"H-Hokage-sama! I beg of you!" The ANBU captain tried to beg only to be cut off by a glare.

"No, Tenzo; Team Seven is set to rake in millions for us through the chunin exams. I had you watch them, yes, and I originally believed their particular brand of genius crossed into insanity."

"G-genius?! Hokage-sama what they are"

"Are a squad of geniuses- the next Sanin I'd bet! While I disprove of some of Kakashi's unique training methods, and I would be the first to admit their mission to Lightning was a political nightmare, they are technically the strongest contestants we have. Their fights will be bloody, full of sparkles, and enjoyable for the nobles. And to take Naruto's chance to have fun killing off the next generation of enemies would be cruel after he so thoughtfully gave me a reason to arrest my old rival." Hiruzen chuckled, finding his ANBU captain adorable in his ranting. His decision to allow Team Seven into the chunin exams despite reservations were solid, and of course had nothing to do exclusive 'Icha Icha' merchandise being dropped off at his window last week by Pakkun and rather talkative toad.

Tenzo looked at his Hokage with a mixture of fear and awe, mentally promising to up his health insurance coverage and upping his property holdings across the continent. One can never be too prepared when Konoha's copy ninja and 'apprentice to be' were involved. Just ask ANBU agent Flamengo, who lost his entire apartment when Naruto tried to summon the Kyubi to 'share his ramen' two days ago but instead summoned a hundred foxes and pack of puppies.

This of course was by no means the worst incident in the Jinchuuriki's file- that particular honor involved mayonnaise, an escaped S-class criminal, and Konoha's ramen supply.

"I…understand, Hokage-sama." He finally said. His venerable leader just gave a kind smile and shooed him out.

"Oh, and continue to keep an eye on Kakashi, won't you? You never when he'll snap… more than he already has, that it." The Hokage chuckled. As Tenzo walked down the hall, the man who survived two psychopaths found himself wondering if he could survive the particular psychosis known as Kakashi Hatake.

Most likely not.

 **With Iruka, same time…**

"Oh, please Iruka-sama! Just teach us. Teach us your ultimate jutsu." ANBU agent Flamingo cried out in earnest. Said 'Iruka-sama' was just trying to grab his groceries before he spent a satisfying evening grading.

"Eh? You mean my 'Water Style: Water Wall?" Iruka asked while dodging several ANBU members who continued to try and take his groceries from him. One particular ANBU found it prudent to fan the academy chunin as he walked, thoroughly freaking Iruka out.

"No!" Several frantic voiced cried. Snickers of ' _that's his best jutsu?!'_ echoed, only to be silenced by an indigent snort.

"No, no, Iruka-sama; while that is a most…excellent jutsu, we are referring to your ultimate technique, the one that makes you God amongst men! We're talking about 'Academy Super Secret Jutsu: Trouble Maker Tracker'!"

 **With Naruto…**

"Boss, Boss! Teach us how to walk on water!" Konohamaru ran into a tackle hug with Naruto, who was calmly reading the next installment in the glorious ''Icha Icha'' series while Kakashi-sensei went to talk to a medic nin or something.

Naruto honestly couldn't find it in himself to make sense of half the stuff his sensei said, especially when he got a glint in his eye while muttering about the recovery time for eye implants. Sasuke seemed just as disturbed as he was for once; clearly they were on their way to friendship!

"But I just taught you guys tree climbing; can't we just read?"

"Eww, boss we don't like your stupid books! Teach us water walking!" Moegi demanded. Three small masked faces pressed against his own, giving pleading eyes. Naruto sighed, and gave a nod. Then, he brightened.

"I'll teach you water walking- but you have to do a little something for me!" He smirked, though it was hidden by his face mask.

"ANYTHING!" They cheered.

"Oh, alright. I want you…" Faces pressed closer as he leaned back over the bridge, water rushing below him.

"Yes, Boss?" Udon asked.

"It's just a tiny thing." A thoughtful look on his face.

"Anything, we assure you!" Moegi begged, wondering what they would have to do. Would he make them go on a secret mission? Do his paperwork?

"Well if you're suuuure."

"JUST TELL US!" They screamed. All three were worried now for what he demanded.

"Buy me ramen- as much as I can eat!" Instantly the three midgets understood. They would never be able to afford even a ramen _snack_ of their Boss, much less one of his binges.

Of course, they had a… generous 'benefactor'… who could pay up the difference so they could become epic shinobi like their Boss.

"Sure thing, Boss." Konohamaru assured. He then turned and whispered to Udon. "We can sneak into Jiji's vault again, right?"

"I think so; he always makes the passwords the 'Icha Icha' release dates." Udon assured. With that they set off to follow Naruto, who had taken off at an impossible pace towards his favorite place in the entire world: Ichiraku's Ramen.

Or, they would have, if they hadn't literally bumped into a strange shinobi within a block of the ramen stand.

"Well, well, what do we have here? Some Konoha brats who don't know respect." A cat monster with make-up chuckled darkly and lifted Konohamaru up by his scarf.

"Hey! Put me down you cat monster!" He cried. The 'monster' took offense to this and started growling. A girl's voice stopped the hand that rose for a smack.

"Kankuro- put the brat down! We are guests here; don't draw suspicion." A Kunoichi from the same village, Konohamaru realized based on her head band, scolded. Her outfit was strange, with a giant fan on her back and hair that just screamed angry.

"Come on Temari, just a little lesson of a street urchin won't hurt. Nobody would him either, I bet; Konoha always did breed like rats, what's one less brat?"

"No- now set him down before" The one known as Temari was cut off by Naruto arriving.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY MINIONS, SUNA-NIN!" An enraged, red eyed Naruto stood at the end of the side walk, clones already ready. Three of his summons had their teeth bared, thirsting for blood.

"Boss!"

 **Moments before…**

Naruto had reached the place that sold God's gift to mankind in a torrent of dust and shouts. Teuchi had greeted him as always, and Ayame spared him a smile.

"Ah, young Naruto, you're back! I didn't expect you so soon, not after you and your summons paid my bills for the next year a couple of days ago!" Teuchi said even as he prepared his favorite customer's regular; Naruto had been so kind to have his ANBU friend 'Flamingo' (poor sap, really, being named 'Flamingo' of all animals) pay for him and his summons' meals after poor Naruto got scooped up by his sensei for training.

He did wonder why Flamingo flinched every time Teuchi waved at him now; he gave good customer service, right? Ah well, you can't please everyone he supposed.

"Well my minions said they'd treat me to all I can eat if I teach them water walking, so lay them on me!" The masked boy cheered.

Now, here Teuchi had a problem; on one hand, he knew he'd get paid one way or another. On the other hand, he wanted to see the money first considering the source was three nine year olds who liked to sneak around in _square boxes._

You could see his hesitance.

"Ah…well, Naruto. Before that, could you maybe bring them here? I wouldn't want them to run out before paying you, you see?"

"Hmm…" Naruto hummed, then gave a very Kakashi-like eye smile. "I gotcha Teuchi! Maa, maa, where are my minions anyways? I could have sworn they were following me!" With a grumbled sigh he left his measly completed twenty bowls, intent on dragging the brats back so he could feast after his long fast of twenty hours. "Summoning jutsu!" He called, summoning Pakkumi, Shi (Shiba's little pup), and Kuro. The three looked happy, though Kuro seemed miffed the puppies were called with him.

"Hey! What's the deal making me, the great Kuro-sama work with the _mutts?!_ " The fox whined. Pakkumi took offense and yipped as she licked her master's hand.

"Kuro-sama be nice! Pakkumi-chan and Shiba-chan need to learn how to track, and Kakashi-sensei says I should summon them constantly to do so!" Naruto said obliviously, completely missing the fact Kakashi wanted him to bond to the pack and forget the foxes (something Kurama wanted to, not that Naruto would notice). "Now, we need to find my minions! Pakkumi, Shi, Kuro- track!"

The three set off at the command, their contract masking their hatred for one another momentarily. They each stiffened at the smells of fear coming from Naruto's minions, and ran faster. Naruto kept along at their pace while his confusion at the urgency caused him to summon clones. Kakashi-sensei always said to flood your enemies and slaughter them mercilessly before asking questions, after all.

What Naruto saw as he turned a corner chilled his blood to ice.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM MY MINIONS, SUNA-NIN!" An enraged, red eyed Naruto stood at the end of the side walk, clones already ready with kunai. His summons had their teeth bared, thirsting for blood.

"Boss!" The three shouted in relief. How Naruto wanted to kill the… cat monster… who threatened his minions, but the guy dropped Konohamaru in fear, letting them dart behind him.

"N-now hold on! We didn't know they were one of y-yours, okay? Let's just talk this out, our villages are allies right?" The girl who Naruto thought had too much hair, tried to reason. Briefly the Jinchuuriki felt pride at how much he scared them, but the fact that his minions were halted in their mission to feed him a buffet stopped the feeling.

"Yeah, allies." The male said, or at least Naruto _thought it was a male._

"Boss, he grabbed me after I bumped into him- I apologized too!" Konohamaru promised. "The girl is Temari, and I think the guy's name is Cat Monster." Naruto gave a soft eye smile and gave a thumbs up.

"Don't worry Kono; I've got this." The masked genin turned towards his enemy. "We're not allies- not when you hurt the Hokage's grandson, Cat Monster." He replied petulantly to the Suna-nin. Cue the indigent squawk from said monster.

"Why you- that's it!"

"You're not going to use Crow, are you?!" Temari warned. He didn't reply, instead letting the bandages unravel much to Naruto's confusion.

"Kuro, run and get Kakashi-sensei" He ordered, and the fox looked indignant. Kuro opened his mouth to argue but was stopped by the arrival of a swirl of sand that morphed into another male.

"Kankuro, Temari." A monotoned voice came from the boy, his hair blood red, smell matching. Pakkumi and Shi quaked so hard they left for home, not that Naruto could blame them; the new guy made even Kurama quiver.

 **"Oi! I am not 'quivering'. I am preparing to rip my crybaby little brother into a thousand pieces! LET ME OUT! SHUKAKU!"** Kurama protested in a scream, making Naruto wince.

' _Shukaku? Whose that?'_

" **Only the most insufferable weakling! He's what you call the Ichibi, and I only find your damn foxes more insufferable!"**

Naruto decided that before his furry friend let another rant loose, he'd try a Kakashi-sensei method of stopping it.

 _'Maa, Maa, you say something?'_ He mentally eye smiled.

 **"THAT'S IT FLESHBAG! GET THE HELL IN HERE AND DIE LIKE THE WORTHLESS HUMAN YOU ARE! WHEN I'M FINISHED"** The blond cut off the link hastily and focused on the conversation.

"G-Gaara?! Hey, nice day we're having, huh?" The newly named Kankuro greeted.

"Kankuro… shut up before I kill you." There was that monotoned voice again.

"R-right!"

"You… Mother wants you dead." Gaara said aloud. Naruto stared back before deciding the guy needed a hobby.

"Your mother can't have my blood, but I could let her have an 'Icha Icha' book?" Naruto offered, missing the face palm his minions and the other Suna-nin gave.

"Well, we're gonna go now, Boss." Moegi stuttered out, not wanting to see her Boss killed. Dragging along her friends, Moegi ran with the intention of finding help. She just hoped Naruto lasted long enough for said help to survive.

Naruto didn't look at their departure, now intrigued. He pressed on, letting his face lose the demonic chakra.

"In fact, here's a copy for you too- my gift. After all, Kurama says you have the Ichibi, right? Well then, we're family since I hold the Kyubi, and family sticks together. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, future Hokage!" Naruto said bluntly and held out a book. Gaara and the siblings looked on in shock, though for different reasons. "What's your name again?"

Temari and Kankuro were shocked that they actually ran into Konoha's Jinchuuriki, and that the supposedly 'strongest of the nine' was not insane like their baby brother. Kankuro vowed to stay away from the little psycho (because anyone willing to talk to Gaara was a few screws loose) while Temari wanted desperately to interrogate everyone on where Suna went wrong to not get a Jinchuuriki like Naruto Uzumaki.

Gaara, on the other hand, had never had a gift really, especially not one given with a happy aura. He watched, the book carefully, as if ready for gas or explosions to go off. It never did, to his hidden surprise. What confused him more was how happy this boy, this supposed carrier of the Kyubi, was compared to him.

Why did Gaara not get this happiness? He had to know, and killing the boy, this 'Naruto Uzumaki' as he introduced himself, would not give him answers… yet.

"I am… Gaara…" He said tonelessly. Naruto cocked his head to the side, wondering if the boy would take his gift.

"Well then, Gaara, don't you want the book?! It's the BEST, yatta- I mean, maa, maa." A sand trickle cautiously grabbed the offending item.

"Icha… Icha." The Suna Jinchuuriki sounded out. Something in the universe clicked as he (or rather, his sand), opened the novel, reading the first page.

For no longer was Shukaku and him fighting for control. For once they both agreed: they must finish this story.

Kankuro and Temari felt an odd sense of dread mixed with relief. Naruto just continued his novel where he left off.

 **Later, that evening…**

"Maa, my cute little apprentice to be! Don't you want to be _just like me?_ Besides, eye surgery barely hurts!" Kakashi half pleaded, half ordered. He pulled his (future) apprentice, trying to dislodge the boy from his doorway.

"NO! NO HOSPITALS! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" The blond Jinchuuriki screamed before squirming away and running faster than most jonin.

 _'I've taught him too well'_ Kakashi thought in pride before remembering that stage three of his Mini-Me plan had to be implemented and let the hunt begin for his ungrateful apprentice to be.

Who **didn't** want to have eye surgery to get Shisui Uchiha's old eye, and thus becoming copy ninja junior?!

 **End! It's been awhile, I know- at least for this fic! Anyways, a couple of things.**

 **Should Naruto get the Sharingan, thus completing the Mini-me metamorphosis? Your thoughts please!**

 **First exam next chapter (probably). Expect Naruto basically making Ibiki wish he just retired and moved to Hell in order to escape this dastardly Jinchuuriki.**

 **I have started writing for My Hero Academia this summer! If you're a fan of the series, feel free to check them out and let me know what you think. They were originally posted on A03 so you could find them there as well.**

 **Have a fantastic week,**

 **Riku.**

 **(ps. Join our discord . Shout out to Dragon my beta- may you survive this semester!)**

 **discord .gg / K5C8SYh**

 **(take out the spaces, if you still need help, just PM me and I'll help you out!)**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

 **AN: Welcome back my lovely readers! I have to say I never expected the bulk of the reviews for chapter thirteen being a variation of 'omg please give Naruto the Sharingan!' Honestly… I had the last part of thirteen as a joke because I thought people would say 'nah, no Sharingan' but I've underestimated y'all's love of crack ideas! Sooo… will Naruto get the Sharingan? Well, let us commence with the story and find out!**

 **Previously on KMM….**

"Maa, my cute little apprentice to be! Don't you want to be _just like me?_ Besides, eye surgery barely hurts!" Kakashi half pleaded, half ordered. He pulled his (future) apprentice, trying to dislodge the boy from his doorway.

"NO! NO HOSPITALS! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!" The blond Jinchuuriki screamed before squirming away and running faster than most jonin.

 _'I've taught him too well'_ Kakashi thought in pride before remembering that stage three of his Mini-Me plan had to be implemented and let the hunt begin for his ungrateful apprentice to be.

Who **didn't** want to have eye surgery to get Shisui Uchiha's old eye, and thus becoming copy ninja junior?!

 **With Naruto, somewhere in the village…**

Naruto Uzumaki was what one would call a 'selective genius'. No, he couldn't do complicated shuriken mathematics, nor could he recite Shinobi law; his strengths lied elsewhere. When the situation called for it, Naruto was able to outsmart the geniuses of old, proving that book smart didn't always mean victory, especially when the topic in question was 'evasion to save one's own life'. In that topic, Naruto Uzumaki, insane blond Jinchuuriki and apprentice (to be) of Kakashi Hatake, excelled like none other.

"You'll never catch me alive, Kakashi-sensei!" Said insane blond shinobi bellowed while roof hopping.

"Just stop running, Naruto, you know I'll get you eventually! Don't you want to be just like me? I could even teach you _the_ Chidori for the exams! It's just one night in the hospital, nothing bad." Kakashi called out sweetly.

Naruto paled and dodged another round of shuriken laced with sedatives mid-jump and summoned his best friend at the moment. "Kuro, I choose you!" The black fox appeared in a huff.

"I told you, it's KURO- _SAMA_ and I chose _you_! You may contain the great Kurama-sama, but I'm ahead of you in the fan club," the fox summons griped even as he called for the Kurama-sama protection squad. These elite fighters had been assembling for centuries to protect their lord and master, and now were expected to ensure the vessel of their lord was protected at all cost… even when the one attacking was an insane Kakashi Hatake and his ninken.

"Er…eh hehe, sorry Kuro-sama but this isn't really the time! Kakashi-sensei went insane and now wants me to go to the hospital!" Naruto cried and jumped over a civilian food cart, not looking back when it crashes to pieces!

"M-my cabbages!" Was heard across the village of Konoha that day, full of grief and anger.

"Fine. Kurama-sama protection squad, unite!" Kuro ordered, and five beefy foxes of unusual sizes created a barrier between Naruto and the psychotic Kakashi.

"Summoning Jutsu!" Kakashi shouted out, his ninken tackling the foxes. The larger beings grunted and snarled, throwing the mutts off them.

Jutsu flied, Naruto cried, and some roofs caved in. All in all, Konoha was becoming a war zone. Before five minutes passed every summon animal was dispelled and Kakashi needed a chakra pill.

Soon the ANBU would get involved, and that was something Kakashi couldn't allow. Well, it was more like he couldn't let the goody two-shoes Tenzo get involved; his former kohai would go on and about the _ethics_ of forced body modification on a twelve year old.

Bah! They're shinobi, who needed pesky things like _ethics_ or _morals_? Nobody, that's who. At least in Kakashi's not so humble opinion, and thus the only opinion that mattered in this case. Besides, the Hokage signed off on it and that was good enough for him!

"Electromagnetic Murder!" Naruto called out, aiming the shockwaves at the ground covered in fresh puddles- effective, but Kakashi could see through his cute little apprentice to be in a heart beat.

With a subtle genjutsu 'borrowed' from a random Kiri shinobi, Kakashi guided his apprentice to the training grounds where he unleashed his secret weapon: ramen.

While he was not a rich man, per say, the genius inside Kakashi saw the, well, genius, in having an emergency supply of ramen laced in sedatives for when Naruto resisted his plans for the perfect mini-me transformation. He had suspected he'd need it when he drafted Naruto into the ANBU after becoming a jonin so that he could have a tattoo like his sensei, not for something as simple as an eye upgrade.

Honestly, teenagers these days! However, he unsealed the storage scroll with the ramen containing enough sedatives to take down five elephants; Naruto would be out a good day at least, just enough time for the operation.

"Oh, Naruto" Kakashi sang, "I'm sorry for wanting to take you to the hospital- I mean the _bad place_ " he corrected when his apprentice flinched. "How about some ramen to make up for it?" Here Kakashi held out the bowl and the genjutsu addled genin ripped it out of his hands. Yet another reason the jonin wanted his apprentice to be to get the eye: it would enable the boy to see through and knock away genjutsu like the one he just fell prey to. While only a C rank, the suggestive type genjutsu Kakashi just used made the user easier to manipulate and took away their sense of survival- something shinobi needed!

So, as he watched his sensei's son and mini-me sway and fall into his waiting arms asleep, Kakashi Hatake took comfort in his own deluded rationalization that in the end Naruto would thank him…right?

 **One day later, Konoha hospital…**

When arriving with a drugged up Jinchuuriki for a major surgery no longer made the medic-nins bat an eye, that's when Kakashi was sure they needed some serious vacation time…with a therapist.

Now, after a successful surgery (Kakashi only had to subdue the enraged Kurama trying to leak chakra five times), Naruto lay bandaged and sleeping peacefully. It was so adorable, the left eye now being just like his own, minus the scar (for now). Kakashi looked at his apprentice to be in pride, knowing he just had a few more steps before he outdid Guy in all aspects and ensured the way of hip and cool survived his name joining the memorial stone.

If only his apprentice would wake up! The exams started in two hours and they were the one event the Hokage would not tolerate Naruto being late for. If the genin stayed asleep much longer Kakashi would have to cover for him, and if there was one man Kakashi dreaded being in the same room with, it was Ibiki Morino. The man was a sadist and the first proctor.

So Naruto had to wake up.

"Ah, Hatake-san? Would you mind filling out some forms? Just the standard 'S-class secret acquired from' forms, and we'll go over after care for Naruto-kun" A rather chipper nurse spoke from the doorway. Kakashi gave her an eye smile but kept reading.

"Maa, I'm sure the forms can be done later, and I've had an eye transplant before- they're not difficult to recover from." He replied nonchalant. The nurse took offence to his response and the room became colder than the Land of Snow.

"You, Kakashi Hatake, got your eye in the middle of war, and still have problems with chakra drain because of the way it was put in and your misuse of it! Now you will come fill out these forms and listen for once in your damn life or I will rip that eye out of your head and replant it without sedatives! Am. I. Clear?" The nurse glowered. Ah yes, she was the one often tasked with dragging him to the operating room when he justifiably tried to leave; best not anger a kunoichi capable of dragging you by the ear despite being weaker and shorter than most genin.

"M-maa, y-yes Ma'am." He said and left to do the 'responsible thing.'

Too bad Naruto chose to burn through the rest of the sedatives in his system and wake up right then.

Konoha's chunin exams would never be the same again.

 **With Naruto…**

Waking up was never one of Naruto's strengths, especially when the genjutsu he was subjected to (not that he knew) made everything fuzzy. But, one thing that Naruto could always tell was when he was in the hell known as the hospital.

"…Gah! What am I doing here?! Gotta get out before the demons find me! No shots, not today, not for the future Hokage!" Naruto babbled on while tearing off every scrap of bandage- including the mass around his left eye. He grabbed the various gear and clothing items, throwing them on haphazardly and bolting out the window, idly wondering why he could see so much better. Eh, he'd ask sensei when he saw him before the test; no doubt his team was waiting for him!

 **Inside the seal…**

 **"DAMN YOU KAKASHI…AND YOU MINATO FOR SEALING ME IN THIS BRAT!"** Kurama raged. He couldn't believe it! His container, a holder of the Sharingan! He had celebrated the demise of that horrid clan, and was happy they weren't around thank you very much! But now his pathetic vessel had the means to subdue him, Kurama the Great.

What's next, chakra chains?

Kurama shuddered at his dark mind and drifted off to _that nightmare._

 **Konoha's Shinobi Academy…**

Sakura and Sasuke looked at their bumbling idiot of a teammate from behind Icha Icha, horrified.

Sakura was ready to barf, wondering how the heck Naruto was related to Sasuke enough to get the Sharingan. Only Uchihas (and Kakashi-sensei) could use it, and there's no way Naruto had some Uchiha give him their eye, right? The way it only opened in one eye fully formed was…disconcerting, but Sakura planned to research the hell out of it.

Sasuke dropped his book and stared, dumbstruck.

"Eh, heh, guys, what's wrong? We still have half an hour, I'm not late!" The blond rubbed his head awkwardly, blinking the bright sun away.

"Naruto, what the _hell_ did you do?" He growled.

"What do you mean?" He asked innocently. Cue the twin face palms.

"…Your eye, Naruto-baka, how did you awaken the Sharingan!" Sakura demanded. Naruto stared in confusion.

"…Huh? I don't have a Sharingan."

"Quit denying it it's stuck inside your head glaring at me!" Sasuke retorted. Sakura sighed, sensing an argument. The sun hung high, signifying they barely had enough time to get to the room and she desperately wanted to become a chunin and get away from Kakashi-sensei.

"Here, look." She brought out a mirror, letting Naruto stare blankly into it. Mentally she counted.

One.

Two.

Three.

"W-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY AWESOME EYE! I CAN'T HAVE A SHARINGAN!"

Ibiki Morino felt a shiver run down his spine as he practiced his Evil Smirk Number Two in the staff room's mirror.

 **End! Wow, writing crack always exhausts me, so I plan to nap after posting this. First, however, we have a few points to cover:**

 **THANK YOU! We have officially gone over one THOUSAND favorites! Like, seriously, I am so thankful. This story isn't always the easiest or fastest to update, and your continuous support warms my heart. On that note, we have also gotten three hundred…sixty I think reviews. For a crack fic, that's a big deal in my book.**

 **Did anyone happen to catch the Pokémon references? I've been watching a lot of ads for the newest installment in the series and am now down the rabbit hole. If I had the money and time, I'd be doing nothing but gaming through the regions on my switch. But alas, college, work, and finances prevent this.**

 **Who is ready for Ibiki? I technically brought him in, sooo… yeah. I should stop trying to say where we'll get to the next chapters as it never seems to happen.**

 **Anyways…**

 **Have a fantastic week,**

 **Riku.**

 **(ps. Join our discord; Shout out to Dragon my beta- may you survive this semester! Also, super proud of you for working so hard at school lately.)**

 **discord .gg / K5C8SYh**

 **(take out the spaces, if you still need help, just PM me and I'll help you out!)**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

 **AN: Hello lovely readers! We are beginning to enter 'The Final Countdown' of this story.** _ **Hears music in the background.**_ **Anyways, the story is set to end at the conclusion of the chūnin exams and leave it open for a sequel. That… is my plan anyways! See we have a** _ **lot**_ **to cover in these last five chapters: driving Ibiki insane, messing with Orochimaru, opening a romance… you get the idea. So, know that while the plan is to finish at chapter twenty, it could go longer!**

… **But I have Animal Crossing I will try to contain myself! I wish the game wasn't so engrossing. To combat my tendency to play all day after classwork, I've implemented some… limits. Hopefully those work!**

 **By the way, if you have the game and want to play online with me and stuff, feel free to join our discord below and exchange friend codes- I named my island Uzu! Hope to see you guys on, and not only Animal Crossing. I have Smash Bros, Mario Kart, and more I am willing to try and not be last in.**

 **Previously on "Kakashi's Mini-me" …**

 _Sakura and Sasuke looked at their bumbling idiot of a teammate from behind Icha Icha, horrified._

 _Sakura was ready to barf, wondering how the heck Naruto was related to Sasuke enough to get the Sharingan. Only Uchihas (and Kakashi-sensei) could use it, and there's no way Naruto had some Uchiha give him their eye, right? The way it only opened in one eye fully formed was…disconcerting, but Sakura planned to research the hell out of it._

 _Sasuke dropped his book and stared, dumbstruck._

" _Eh, heh, guys, what's wrong? We still have half an hour, I'm not late!" The blond rubbed his head awkwardly, blinking the bright sun away._

" _Naruto, what the hell did you do?" He growled._

" _What do you mean?" He asked innocently. Cue the twin face palms._

"… _Your eye, Naruto-baka, how did you awaken the Sharingan!" Sakura demanded. Naruto stared in confusion._

"… _Huh? I don't have a Sharingan."_

" _Quit denying it it's stuck inside your head glaring at me!" Sasuke retorted. Sakura sighed, sensing an argument. The sun hung high, signifying they barely had enough time to get to the room and she desperately wanted to become a chūnin and get away from Kakashi-sensei._

" _Here, look." She brought out a mirror, letting Naruto stare blankly into it. Mentally she counted._

 _One._

 _Two._

 _Three._

" _W-WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY AWESOME EYE! I CAN'T HAVE A SHARINGAN!"_

 _Ibiki Morino felt a shiver run down his spine as he practiced his Evil Smirk Number Two in the staff room's mirror._

 **Onto the show! With Naruto…**

Naruto began hyperventilating, the rhythmic beating of his heart became more pronounced as he took in his reflection. His gorgeous baby blue eye had vanished, only to be replaced by the piercing crimson of a Sharingan. Gone were his plans to woo Sakura with his once striking blue eyes; he had wanted to surpass Sasuke in his own way, not copy his traits.

The thunderous wail of his heart was quickly overpowering his common sense. No… no. He could not let this continue.

" **Take it out!"** Kurama's voice jolted him out of his stupor. " **Use your human fake teeth of metal and take the damn eye out. Now!"**

Naruto was confused. ' _How Fuzzball? What are fake teeth of metal?'_ He thought.

" **It's Kurama-sama to you, brat"** Kurama said, " **And I had meant those… weapon things."**

Naruto eyes visibly widened in understanding, ' _Oh, my kunai!'_

" **Yes, that! Use that and scoop the cursed eye out."**

" _Hell no that sounds painful!"_ Naruto yelped mentally. The very idea… he shuddered. Kakashi-sensei loved to scare him with the story of how he had lost his own eye. Naruto didn't want to go through that, not when he couldn't even remember how he had gotten it.

" **It came from your delusional sensei, brat"** Kurama deadpanned. " **You don't want to be like the Uchiha brat, do you? Well then, carve it out! No fear! Stop acting like a baby and act like a Bijuu. Besides I'll heal it up instantly."**

" _Promise?"_

" **Bijuu's honor."** Kurama said. What Kurama failed to say was that he would be in immense pain for days. Come to think of it Kurama was not entirely sure it was a good idea to do this when his host was going against Shukaku's host, but then again, the brat was immortal considering everything he had gone through. He'd survive… probably.

With a resigned gulp, Naruto took a kunai out of his pouch and raised a shaky hand towards his face. With a deep breath, he readied himself for the pain to come. No worries, right? Kurama would heal him up and he would be able to look for his eye later. If he found out that Kakashi-sensei had done this he would be buying Naruto a hundred- no a thousand bowls of ramen!

 **Meanwhile, in Konoha's hospital…**

Kakashi Hatake collapsed in relief that he was finally done with the damn paperwork! He couldn't wait to take his cute little apprentice to his exam, and of course if he educated him about the benefits of said amazing eye there would be nothing wrong with that.

Then a vision of him bankrupt and sobbing over empty ramen bowls struck him like a lighting bolt at the cliffs.

It meant nothing… right?

 **Back with Naruto…**

He brought the kunai up to his eye in a single smooth motion.. Naruto was ready, ready for this. Ready to be free.

Just before he could commit to the action, a kick to the stomach and a hand twisting the knife out of his grasp stopped him.

"Yeowch!" He wheezed in pain. While looking up to spot his attacker, tears began to well in his eyes, Naruto saw a panicked looking Sasuke.

"You idiot." Sasuke said. His voice dripped with pure unadulterated venom. "You do not ever, _ever_ treat a Sharingan with such disrespect!"

"But I have to get rid of it." Naruto protested.

"Hn. You will, after the exam. At a proper hospital- quit flinching it's just a word!" Sasuke gripped his hand tighter and motioned Sakura to grab Naruto's other arm. "For now you will keep your headband over the eye so it doesn't kill you. You must protect it with your life, or I will end your miserable existence. Hn. Clear?" Sasuke looked winded at the longest sentence he had likely said since he learned to scowl and even Sakura looked surprised at his passion.

"… Er, sure Sasuke." Naruto would never admit Sasuke scared him at that moment. He focused instead on ignoring Kurama's enraged yelling about being a wimp.

"Hn." And the old Sasuke was back. So much for communication.

The trio made their way inside. When Naruto was messing with his headband it slipped up right as they came upon the henged Izumo and Kotetsu. He blinked in surprise and shrugged.

"Hey Izumo, Kotetsu" Naruto called out. Their jaws dropped at the sight of the infamous 'Orange Menace' with a Sharingan. "You're on the wrong floor- we need to go to floor three, remember? Are you guys trying to take the exam again?" Naruto ignored the mass of now grumbling genin and his teammates, continuing up.

"Shoot, Ibiki's gonna kill us," Kotetsu said. Izumo gulped loudly. "We were supposed to keep these losers away from the test, so he wasn't surrounded by maggots." They could only look on as the genin teams trailed behind Team Seven, the most infamous team in Konoha at this point, to their rather… violent boss.

"Maybe he won't notice?" Izumo suggested. Kotetsu could only deadpan at his best friend as if he was a delusional maniac. With a sigh he used a shunshin to take them to the proctor room, knowing it could be their last day on the planet.

 **Outside Testing room…**

"Didn't Kakashi-sensei say he would be here to send us in?" Naruto asked. Sasuke sighed, Sakura following. They had hidden in the hallway while they watched other genin rush to the entrance of the exam room (Sakura insisted they let the "cannon fodder" take any traps) and successfully avoided Naruto's so-called eternal rival. Finally, they reached the door only to find no sign of their sensei. they were at the door with no sign of their sensei

"Great, he's late for his own team's test." Sakura said. She was less than impressed with her sensei already. At this point, though, she just needed to make chūnin and transfer to a new squad with Sasuke.

"Maa, maa, my cute little genin. Have you little faith in your sensei?" Speak of the devil and he shall appear in a slouch.

"None at all" Sakura deadpanned.

"Hn." Sasuke said. It translated roughly to 'no way in hell'.

"Of course, Sensei!" And then there's Naruto. "… after you buy me ramen for the stupid eye that is." There were his shinobi tactics! Naruto mentally high-fived himself for that one.

Kakashi looked heartbroken that his genin were so cold. And Naruto…

"You wounded me, my apprentice to be… and technically other genin. Aren't you liking your new weapon of death?" Kakashi asked. He couldn't let his project fail now, the Hokage was eager to see how Naruto performed with the eye!

Naruto squinted his eyes at his sensei and then huffed as Sasuke pulled his headband over it.

"Keep it covered, hn. People steal Uchiha eyes."

"Sasuke is right. Only uncover it if you need to- and watch the chakra flow." Kakashi added. He then proceeded to look at the window and magically deduced the time. Long story short, his genin were about to be late. "Maa, look at the time. Okay remember to only kill non- Konoha contestants and to make chūnin. Do it and you each get an advance copy for the newest "Icha Icha Tactics'' series first book."

The bribery worked as the three genin were experiencing varying degrees of excitement. Even with the mask, Kakashi noticed Naruto was the most obviously happy. Kakashi mentally promised himself that during the month before finals he would snuff out everything 'uncool' and 'unhip' about his apprentice.

The three genin- his genin, he reminded himself in pride- strode into the room as if they owned the place. Kakashi could not be prouder if he tried.

Well… he would be prouder when Naruto took his first assassination mission and made ANBU, but those were long- term goals. For now, he was proud.

' _Time for Ichi Icha, Kakashi; you deserve it.'_

 **Inside the testing room…**

Stepping inside the testing room with all the killing intent took the entire Team Seven back to the many times when Kakashi hit them with his own killer intent at random times- training, missions, the hot springs (though that one left Kakashi in the hospital when the Kunoichi felt his killing intent from over the wall and got annoyed).

However, the current level was their sensei on a _good day,_ and thus could not faze them in the slightest. Sasuke and Sakura did the smart thing and casually pulled out Icha Icha in hopes of drowning the masses out. Naruto, though…

"Huh, guys, think Kakashi-sensei would train them to use killing intent better? They're kinda weak." Naruto said. He gave a closed eye smile, missing Sasuke and Sakura gulp knowing that everyone heard them and would now be out for their heads. Even the other Konoha genin were slightly red with bloodlust.

"Oh a little Konoha baby trying to sound tough?" A mass of bandages was in Naruto's space. He blinked as his single eye met another single eye. The shinobi had an unfamiliar headband with a music note. But his aura was dark, darker than Naruto expected to feel. But he wasn't Kakashi Hatake's personal student for nothing!

"Oi! Get out of my face, maa." He said, remembering to become more relaxed sounding towards the end. "My team is going to squash yours."

The foreign shinobi looked ready for a fight, but a large pop in the back of the room stopped a bloodbath.

"Silence you maggots!" A harsh voice echoed in the suddenly silent room. Surrounded by dozens of chūnin in grey uniforms, including a nervous looking Izumo and Kotetsu, was a man Kakashi had warned his team about several times over the past couple of months in a subtle manner: Ibiki Morino, sadist extraordinaire.

Naruto's eyes widened in fear. The glare directed at him was enough to curdle milk.

 **With Ibiki…**

Having his pre-exam scowling practice interrupted by the idiot duo pushed upon him by the Hokage had put the head of the torture department in a bad mood. Listening to them babble about Kakashi's little psycho squad messing up Ibiki's ingenious plan to sift the weaklings who could not possibly pass for genin, much less chūnin, made his blood pressure rise. To then hear that Kakashi's supposed 'future apprentice' (a fact that made Ibiki giddy with all the psychological trauma he would be able to study when the Jinchūriki finally cracked) had a fully developed Sharingan in one eye, Ibiki paled. The implications for his sanity if this was true!

But no, there's no way Hokage-sama would let Naruto Uzumaki of all genin receive one of the recovered Sharingan. Those were set to be given out to important shinobi who could keep them secret- mostly ANBU. Not genin who would probably scrape by with a pass to chūnin- after all, he was the luckiest bastard Ibiki had ever had the displeasure of meeting.

Ibiki Morino hated his village's Jinchūriki. Not because of his status- Ibiki respected the brat for that and was one of the shinobi who used to donate toys and equipment when he was a small child. In fact, Ibiki _used to_ look forward to Naruto Uzumaki joining the shinobi forces and considered becoming a jōnin and sensei to him.

That all changed the day six year old Naruto broke into his office and stole his most precious possession, all for a bet with the Hokage. Now, Ibiki couldn't stand him, and the fact he might be given an eye capable of copying any technique, thus becoming an even greater menace, was not something Ibiki could handle.

So, with the snarl he learned from his mother, Ibiki punished the chūnin and started their epic entrance he absolutely did not make his underlings practice for hours. Seeing Naruto pale at his call out made bloody rainbows and mutilated unicorns come to Ibiki's mind. In other words, it made his day.

Noticing the headband over Naruto's eye made Ibiki hold in a chuckle. Of course, chūnin would make the mistake of thinking a genin playing dress up to look like his sensei was the same as actually having the accursed eye. Ibiki was safe. He was still king of this exam.

Oh, how the mighty would fall.

 **Later, the beginning of the exam…**

Naruto never liked written tests. Sure, Kakashi-sensei gave him lots of help with learning _now,_ but in the past, he was always the worst. Too many words and numbers. He was a more hands on shinobi, thank you very much.

Seeing this written exam have questions that made him feel like the stupid dead last of the academy was not how he envisioned a chūnin promotion would go a chūnin promotion was supposed to go! And to get disqualified if he was caught cheating only five times? That was even worse. If only Sakura or Sasuke was next to him to help him out. Hinata was running a fever like always, trying to ask for help or something, but Naruto didn't have time for her. He had to think fast to get at least one question done.

' _Argh this headband itches too'_ He thought in annoyance. Sasuke had insisted he keep it covered, but Naruto couldn't take it. Surely lifting it up for a second wouldn't hurt, right? Just to let the eye breathe. It would be down again before anyone noticed. With that justification, Naruto lifted his beloved headband to its original position, not noticing the various proctors fixating on his position.

' _Ahh, that's much better. Now, time to ace this stupid test!'_ As his excitement grew, Naruto didn't notice the subtle shift of his eye, activating on instinct to its new owner.

Looking up, Naruto saw the proctor Ibiki glaring at him. Naruto gulped and raised a hand, letting a smile form behind his face mask in an attempt to be nice. Sakura had always told him that those friendly with the teachers got the best grades.

 **With Ibiki…**

Of course the brat actually got a Sharingan. Shisui Uchiha's by the looks of it, the most overpowered eye Ibiki had ever seen. For most of the exam Naruto had been helplessly not writing anything! But now he looked relaxed, happy even.

The fact that he had the audacity to give him a masked smile and wave meant Ibiki was challenged. The genin challenged _him_.

Ibiki would not lose. Too bad marking off for using Dojutsu was against regulations or some other political crap. But Ibiki would win, if not at disqualifying him, then at intimidation.

So, Ibiki met the eyes of his enemy head on, beginning the most important stare down in his life.

A stare down that he would triumph in.

 **Back with Naruto…**

' _Wow! This eye is kinda cool'_ Naruto thought as he tracked every movement in the room. Staring straight ahead- couldn't get accused of cheating, after all- he was amazed at how all the pencils moved and people twitched. Things were so clear. However, the clock showing twenty minutes left was an unpleasant wake up call. He had to hurry!

Naruto's nervousness skyrocketed with each tick on the clock. He unconsciously pulsed chakra into the eye, and reality began breaking.

If only the proctor would quit creeping him out by staring.

 **With Ibiki and proctors…**

First there was the glare. Now a tiny black flame burst on the clock, incinerating it. Ibiki sealed it away in one of his special scrolls made for when he faced Itachi Uchiha without sparing it more than a glance. He couldn't let the genin distract him, clever as it was.

Izumo yelping as his chair turned to bugs and Kotetsu attempting to inch away from a flame erupting in the air was no consequence. Naruto still refused to back down so Ibiki wouldn't either. While he could now disqualify the brat, doing so would be a cop out.

By Ibiki's impeccable ability to tell time they had one minute left. Then a timer in his pocket would go off. He could do this.

That was until his bandana just turned to ash, ruining his big reveal.

 **Naruto…**

Naruto wasn't sure who was making the flames appear, but they had to stop, he could hardly focus. Worse was there were less than forty teams left and each time one left an ominous chuckle would echo throughout the room. It sounded a lot like Kurama, but Naruto wasn't sure if it actually was his furry friend.

He had to concentrate and that was impossible when random things kept happening!

One thing that bugged him though, was Ibiki. Kakashi-sensei always told them he had something cool under his headband bandana, and Naruto really wanted to see it.

' _No, gotta focus… bah! I gotta know, what's under his bandana?'_ Naruto found himself staring at it in hopes it would go away so he could get his answers. To his surprise, it did! On the now exposed head was a map of scars not even a mother would find pretty. Ibiki's face was turning red.

"Wow that looks painful!" Naruto blurted out. He instantly regretted it as Ibiki's red face turned murderous.

"What… did you say?" Ibiki whispered dangerously. A timer buzzed in the background for the tenth question.

"Er… did you say something?" Naruto tried. It only seemed to make Ibiki madder.

"You…" Ibiki trailed off, then smiled. It wasn't a nice smile. "Alright, pencils down!" He said. Pencils dropped everywhere. "It's time for the tenth question."

Naruto gulped and got ready. He would win this. He stared into Ibiki's eyes again, hoping he could do this.

"The tenth question is…"

' _Damn, why can't he just pass us?'_ Naruto thought. ' _Come on, just say we pass. I gotta become a chūnin.'_ His mental prodding was intense, and his new eye reacted.

"… No question. You all pass." A now expressionlessIbiki said. Naruto blinked in surprise, as did everyone else in the room.

"THAT'S THE TENTH QUESTION?" Sakura shouted from the back. Naruto whipped his head around to see her, another flame bursting near her hair. She shrieked, as did more genin teams.

Thick blood began running down the walls while black flames started furiously crackling and slowly dripping off the ceiling. All hell was breaking loose.

This was the scene Anko Mitarashi crashed into.

Kurama cackled in the background, most amused for some reason. Naruto just wanted to become a chūnin already.

 **End!**

 **1.** **It's time for a recommendation for all you fans of crack fics.** **s/13110826/1/Gōsutoai** **Gosutaoi is a must-read story due to its humor and its uniqueness, you won't find another story like it. Harry loses his eyes, but Orochimaru experiments on him resulting in Naruto being able to see ghosts, because of this he creates a ghost spy network and ends up in some crazy situations. Also, Madara and Tobirama should never again be allowed to work on Seals together.**

 **2.** **This chapter got a tad crazy… wonder if dojutsu will be allowed after this haha. Poor Ibiki.**

 **3.** **Say hello to our second beta, Sean The Great! Sean's job is to check for grammar, formatting, and spelling errors I miss so that your reading experience improves. My favorite thing that he did was giving us the proper way to spell the various ranks! Give him some thanks in the comments if you think he improved the story!**

 **4.** **Next chapter… The Forest of Death! Dun Dun Duuuuuun….**

 **Have a fantastic week,**

 **Riku.**

 **(ps. Join our discord; Shout out to Dragon my beta- may you survive this semester! Also, super proud of you for working so hard at school lately.)**

 **discord .gg / K5C8SYh**

 **(take out the spaces, if you still need help, just PM me and I'll help you out!)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

 **AN: Hey guys! Back for another chapter. We are getting closer to the end, and I am so excited! However, there are still four to five left and we have lots to cover. So, without further ado, onto the chapter…**

 **Previously, on KMM…**

"… _No question. You all pass." A now blank eyed Ibiki said. Naruto blinked in surprise, as did everyone else in the room._

 _"THAT'S THE TENTH QUESTION?" Sakura shouted from the back. Naruto whipped his head around to see her, another flame bursting near her hair. She shrieked, as did more genin teams._

 _Blood began running down the walls, flames dripping off the ceiling. All hell was breaking loose.``_

 _This was the scene Anko Mitarashi crashed into._

 _Kurama cackled in the background, most amused for some reason. Naruto just wanted to become a chunin already._

 **Chunin Exam, Written Testing Room…**

By the time Sasuke and Sakura had realized the chaos was caused by Naruto (of course it was) and made him cover the eye once more, the damage had already been done. Less than thirty teams agreed to move onto the second stage, especially after Anko told them they were going to "The Forest of Death". The name alone caused a Suna genin to have a nervous breakdown.

Naruto loudly recounting how his sensei, _the_ Kakashi Hatake, almost died seven times while camping in the place due to being doused in Wasp-spider pheromones, did little to help the teams agree to stay.

Team Seven had heard this tale so many times they were desensitized. The other teams weren't, however, and many were green by the end. Naruto added the 'part two' of Kakashi surviving the night sleeping in the carcass of one Wasp-spider so they could not sense his body heat. Anko was the only one that shared his smile after that story.

Anko led the survivors to the next part of the exams, and as they trudged behind her Team Seven was split between excitement and resignation. Naruto was excited, remembering how his sensei talked about his own chunin exam as a battle to survive in the forest alone. Naruto vowed to be just as impressive, even if he was forced to watch over his team to help them survive. He was a good teammate, and refused to leave them behind, even though he was confident he could do it all himself.

During Naruto's daydreams about stopping fifty shinobi on his own with nothing but a broken kunai- and while protecting his unconscious teammates- Sasuke and Sakura held more realistic thoughts.

Sakura felt dread about the forest and worried they would fail. Failure would mean another six months with Kakashi-sensei. Six months with that psycho meant she would lose all remnants of sanity left in her being. That could not happen! If she had to take out Konoha shinobi to win, she would. Screw village loyalty when it led to her being under the craziest sensei ever known to genin kind. She just had to drag her teammates through the forest, pass, and request a new squad with Sasuke.

Sasuke grumbled internally about the possibility of them failing whatever objective they faced. If he failed- not that he would ever fail- then he would be stuck on Team Seven with the lunatics called his 'teammates'. Sure, they introduced him to the rather genius literary works of Jiraiya, but that wasn't enough to warrant six more months of their torture.

Sasuke would make his team win, and request a new, sane team. Oh… and surpass his brother, of course.

"Hn. We're here." Sasuke grunted as they came upon the ominous fence. Whispers broke out, and Sasuke knew _this_ was where they could do some psychological damage to the enemy… er, competition. "Books out, now." He ordered. Sakura shrugged and pulled out her current volume. Soon she was absorbed, yet still listening for information like their sensei taught them.

Naruto, unsurprisingly, was already reading, his mask hiding the smile at whatever brave deed the hero did. Sasuke shook his head, knowing Naruto was so simpleminded. Good thing he had an actual Uchiha to keep him alive in the forest, even if it was mainly for the eye's sake.

"Listen up, maggots! You thirty… no wait, twenty-nine squads are the less than pathetic lot that _somehow_ survived. I'm willing to bet that less than half of you make it out of my forest alive and intact." Anko said as the genins' whispering grew anxious, her smile cocky and bloodthirsty.

"I want to go home," Chouji whispered a little too close to Anko. She casually whipped a kunai in his direction. Chouji whimpered as it grazed his cheek, more so when Anko appeared behind him and snickered.

"What's this; a little gaki who wants his mommy," She mocked. Everyone was silent as she gazed around. The many genin, with the exception of Team 7, were looking at her in a mix of awe and fear, as they should

Everyone except the members of Team Seven, however. The trio leaned against the fence, each reading from the stupid books that Kakashi worshipped. While she admired their guts and audacity, they were ruining her image. Especially the blond haired one… and silver she realized. That was new... Now, Anko could make an example out of them here, but it was far past time to start and she could just laugh when they did not make it out of the forest in one piece.

Oh, how much fun it would be setting them on the path of the Wasp-spiders and leaches. It wasn't like they would die anyways; after all, if Anko's yearly supply of poisons couldn't kill the Jinchuuriki during his checkups, nothing could.

 **With Naruto, at their gate…**

"Hey, Gaara!" Naruto greeted him after seeing their gates were next to each other. He ran over and held up a fist to the still reading Jinchuuriki. Said Jinchuuriki blinked at the raised hand, his sand creeping up in defense.

"That is not a normal hand sign," Gaara noted. Naruto could only laugh at the strange words.

"Maa, maa, it's not a hand sign. It's a fist bump. You hit it back." He raised it closer, and Gaara hesitantly lifted his sand to mimic. Naruto looked at the strange way to fist bump but let it go and hit the sand. Neither Jinchuuriki noticed the others looking on in shock.

"This 'high five' accomplished nothing."

"Sure, it did! We're friends, now, and you have some of my power or something. Oh, here!" Naruto pulled out a small stack of books, passing them over to a now very interested Gaara. "These are the rest of the series."

"… I believe I say thank you in this situation." Gaara glanced over to Temari, who nodded shakily. She still wasn't quite comfortable with this new and improved Gaara.

"Maa, it's no problem."

"Hey, shrimp, what happened to your eye? Why is it covered?" Kankuro blurted out. Naruto was about to bite out a response, but Sasuke was instantly dragging him away, hand covering his mask. He ended up waving at Gaara, who hesitantly returned it.

"Naruto Uzumaki…" Temari sighed. For a masked genin, he was kind of cute she had to admit.

"Hey, sis?"

"Yes, Kankuro?" Temari did not appreciate her thought process being interrupted.

"Why are you blushing?"

"…" A fan decapitating his puppet was Kankuro's answer.

 **Meanwhile, in the seal…**

 **"Damn Uzumakis! Curse you to hell!"** Kurama roared. He banged his skull against his cage, hoping it would wake him up from this nightmare.

 **"Stupid Kurama! I should just eat your brat. That's it, I'm having Gaara spill your blood!"** The whiny, nazily voice of his little brother made Kurama wish they could actually die.

Shukaku had joined the seal.

 **"This is payback you know,"** Gyuki sniggered. Sad part is that he was right. This is what Kurama got for asking his Jinchuuriki to fist bump _one_ person so he could rub it in his brother's face that his Jinchuuriki got knocked out by a naked body.

Payback's like an Uchiha with a hangover, it seems.

 **Forest of Death, later…**

"We've been walking for _hours_ Sasuke." Naruto said, his voice much like a petulant childs'. They had been on the path to the tower, avoiding a creature Naruto was certain came from hell: Wasp-spiders. The eight legged, flying arachnids with stingers on them flew in packs and had decided they wanted Team Seven to be their next meal. Too bad for them that Naruto's eye was acting up again. No doubt the creatures would be on the endangered list by nightfall if the fire to their nest was any indication.

Of course, Naruto had not been aware he was the one doing the spontaneous combustions.

"Shut up. We are reaching that tower by nightfall and that's that. Hn." Sasuke said. Naruto huffed at the clear dismissal. Then a thought occurred to him.

"Wait, but we don't have an Earth Scroll," Naruto said.

"Yeah, Naruto's right for once," Sakura agreed. "I want to get this phase over quickly and finish up Ruraiya's daring escape from the vile Pedomaru!" Naruto looked at Sakura, eyes alight with excitement.

"Oh, that part! I skipped ahead to that chapter, and I gotta say it was so yatta! Especially when Ruraiya" He was cut off by a murderous aura emanating from Sakura.

"You spoil the book and I spoil your life expectancy," She threatened. Sakura never liked spoilers, especially on such divine literature as 'Icha, Icha'.

"Y-yeah, of course Sakura. But you know, spoilers aren't bad, believe it! They don't make you not read a story, right?"

"Naruto" Sakura growled and raised her fist. Before it ended in bloodshed, Sasuke gave a famous 'Uchiha glare'.

"Hn. Stop being so annoying. We will get to the tower soon, Sakura, and we can all read- without spoilers. Eventually we can steal a scroll off a team… Hn."

Naruto and Sakura gave sheepish agreements and the team began a quicker pace to the tower… until a giant snake tail crashed into the trees, blocking their path.

"If you desire an Earth Scroll, Naruto-kun, I could give it to you, for a price." An ominous chuckle resounded around the now crushed forest. The head of the snake rose to tower over them, giving a hiss.

"Oh yeah? And what's the price, creepy snake?" Naruto asked.

"Creepy snake? What? No, you imbecile! I am not a snake, I am…" The ominous voice chuckled once more and a poof of smoke appeared on the snake. A male figure appeared with a smirk. "I am the mosssst powerful shinobi in thissss village- no, the world! I am… Orochimaru."

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura scrambled into a Manju formation, their kunai at the ready. Sakura ripped Naruto's headband off, ignoring his protests.

"Sakura!" Sasuke said. He glared at her. She glared back.

"Magic eye seems to be our best bet here against a _Sanin._ "

"Hn. If he loses it… I blame you."

Sakura whipped her head back to Naruto. "Naruto, you lose that magic eye and I will kill you. Painfully. Understand?" It wasn't a question, so Naruto just nodded frantically.

"Oh, Sassssuke-kun, kukuku. You have much more to worry about than Naruto-kun's little Sharingan." Orochimaru said. A standstill began, both sides daring the other to move.

The Forest of Death just became a lot more dangerous.

 **End! Hope this chapter made you guys smile. It's scary out there, but at least we have fanfiction to make our days somewhat cheerful. A few things…**

 **1.** **We have less than five chapters left! Exciting, right?**

 **2.** **Favorite part? Anyone looking forward to the taking down of Orochimaru? Just fyi it will not be all 'magic eye' doing the dirty work.**

 **3.** **So, a great recommendation is over on 'Archive of our own', and it's a FANTASTIC one shot that I promise will make you laugh. Please go check it out, it is called "** **I am the BEST trophy Wife"** **by FenrirsTeeth. It still makes me chuckle rereading it.**

 **4\. Another recommendation is an adorable romantic comedy one shot. It is called "** **Fangirling and Other Seductions"** **by Madrigal in Training. It is probably one of my favorite one shots now, so let me know how you guys like it!**

 **5\. Finally, thank you to our two betas, Dragon and Sean! Sean is the guy who takes the chapter and points out all the mistakes, so you have a better experience. Feel free to write your appreciation in the reviews.**

 **Have a fantastic week,**

 **Riku.**

 **(ps. Join our discord; Shout out to Dragon- may you survive this semester! Also, super proud of you for working so hard at school lately.)**

 **discord .gg / K5C8SYh**

 **(take out the spaces, if you still need help, just PM me and I'll help you out!)**


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